


Look and listen

by Rey_Bee



Series: For the love of the Uchiha [6]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Arguing, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Conversations, Dead People, Dreams, Family, Family Drama, Family Reunions, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Ghosts, Hurt/Comfort, It's Hard and Nobody Understands, Mentioned Uchiha Itachi, Other, POV Uchiha Sasuke, Parent-Child Relationship, Sins of the Father, Surreal, Uchiha Massacre, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, Understanding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24952222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rey_Bee/pseuds/Rey_Bee
Summary: Sasuke atones for his sins during the day, but at night he falls asleep under the trees. He dreams of an old house... and of a man who is always waiting there for him. It’s been a while since Sasuke was this open with anybody. But does that mean that he receives the acknowledgement he always craved for? Does he even still need it?A meeting of a dead father and his son.Note: The real deal starts in chapter 2;)
Relationships: Uchiha Fugaku & Uchiha Sasuke
Series: For the love of the Uchiha [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754959
Comments: 94
Kudos: 124





	1. Neverland of the past

**Author's Note:**

> So I've started to write this fic a while ago but I wasn't sure when to publish it. It's still unfinished. But tonight I feel like posting it, so here is the first chapter.
> 
> \- Next chapters will be longer!  
> \- Dialogue fic mostly (in following chapters)  
> \- Writing it cause I love Fugaku's character.
> 
> Not promising regular updates... sorry;)

* * *

The first time it happens, he is sitting on the floor of the kitchen in his old family house. Silence surrounds him and his vision is somehow blurred, which gives him a strange impression that this is not the reality he knows. Just a second later, he realizes that indeed, he is dreaming, and this thought alone tells him that it is not a regular dream.

He gets up from the floor, sparing a glance at the empty shelves, and wanders inside the house. He enters his old room and is surprised, because there is nothing there apart from a mattress lying on the floor. His open wardrobe is standing in its place in the corner. Empty. He touches his closet and opens it slowly. Nothing inside.

He moves to Itachi’s room, but finds it as empty as his own. The only thing that catches his attention… is a faint scent of his brother. But not the metallic scent of blood he remembers from the time when Itachi was completing ANBU missions, but a scent of wind and forest, a fresh scent of the world Sasuke was so eager to see when he was little. He dreamed about leaving the village, seeing something new far away from Konoha. He wanted to smell like Itachi. Smell of freedom.

He dwells deep into memories when a sudden sound of someone’s steps echoes in the corridor. He turns around abruptly and waits for the newcomer to emerge from behind the corner, when suddenly he starts to fall.

When he opens his eyes, he sees green. A new day starts with trees’ crowns dancing with the wind above his head.

* * *

It takes only two days for any strange force responsible for this delusional occurence to carry him back to his blurry old house. Once again he is sitting at the table in the old kitchen, facing the wall. He stands up and with hardly any thought, directs his steps to Itachi’s room. The scent of freedom embraces him, but something he expected – someone he expected to see, is not here. He feels a glimmer of disappointment in his chest.

He really thought he would meet Itachi here.

He leaves the room reluctantly and slowly moves to stand in front of his parents’ bedroom. It takes a lot to convince his hand to open the door, and his legs to carry him inside. A smell of safety and protection hits him straight in the heart. And maybe it would take more time for him to adapt to the longing he suddenly feels, but some things catch his attention.

The room is not empty. On the left side of the bed he sees a notebook lying next to the cushion. There is a lamp on the closet next to the bed. He opens the wardrobe and suddenly his eyes widen because it’s full of clothes… Half-full.

Steps. He freezes where he stands and listens. Someone opens the door to his or Itachi’s bedroom. A couple of seconds later he walks away and Sasuke can clearly recognize the sound of sliding screens that lead to the porch.

But he never leaves the room, because he is falling down again. He wakes up somehow irritated and turns to the other side instead of getting up.

What is this world of smells and sounds…? He wants to know, but he isn’t sure how to go back there.

* * *

He waits for the third opportunity to visit the house for more than a week. So when he finally realizes that his wishes have been granted, a comforting feeling of relief appears within him, only to be quickly replaced with motivation. He stands up and instead of on wandering around, he focuses more on finding the very someone who slipped through his fingers twice.

He notices that the living room is empty as well, but inside his father’s study he sees some things lying on the low table. He checks the bathroom: one dressing-gown hangs on the wall. A green one. How come… why does he see things that belonged only to his father? The bathroom does smell of his mother’s rice powder, but there is nothing more. He glances back at the corridor and has a mild heart attack because through the kitchen window he sees a silhouette moving in the garden.

He runs in the corridor, something he haven’t done for years, and literally falls out from the house to the porch. He jumps down to the grass with is bare feet, scanning his surroundings. HOW can he be here alone? He saw someone, he did…

The screens of his father’s study are open. He didn’t touch them before.

He didn’t.

He runs back into the house, not caring about the noise he makes and concentrates, trying to hear every single sound of this strange place.

Fast steps can be heard from behind the closed door. Sasuke jumps to it and only dubs the wood, when the door moves violently on their own and he takes one step back, startled.

A man in his forties looks back at him with penetrating dark eyes that make him freeze. He wears a green upper robe and brown trousers. His shoulders are large, larger than Sasuke’s own, and his hair, cut not too short, has a light brown color, so different from his own.

Sasuke wants to call him, but his mouth does not cooperate and stays wide open. The other man looks at him with no less shock, as if trying to find an explanation. He moves and his hand hangs now freely by his side when he watches the boy – or the young man – who is standing in front of him.

“…Sasuke?”

The image disappears and suddenly his eyes open and he sits up abruptly, breathing like after a long run.

_…tou-san?_


	2. Gift or curse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is actually the right beginning of this story. The first stage of checking the ground. How will they like it?
> 
> Enjoy:)

* * *

Whichever gods make him come back, he gets there again some hours later. He stands up slowly from the kitchen floor and listens.

He hears him.

He stops in front of the open door to his room and slowly absorbs the sight of his father. His every move, every sound he makes… it brings so much memories. He remembers wanting desperately to see him one more time when he was little. Now, after all those years, it happens.

But he is not a child anymore. His childish longing for his dead father ended years ago. He barely ever think about the man. So now, at this very moment, he does not know what to do about it. Not anymore. His old enthusiasm is not here and he almost takes one step back…

But his father’s moves are strange. Like… he is watching something, and before Sasuke has a chance to react, his mouth moves on its own.

“What are you doing?”

Uchiha Fugaku turns around quickly, startled by somebody’s presence. He stays silent, and Sasuke can see that he is being devoured by his father’s eyes.

“Are you… Sasuke?” he asks quietly. “You are, aren’t you?”

Sasuke knows he should confirm or at least nod, but he doesn’t. It’s just… an idea that this man is not sure who stands in front of him… it hurts. He should know. Ignoring uneasiness that overwhelms him now, he looks away and leans against the doorframe, trying to notice something in the room.

“How old are you?” Fugaku asks again, evenly.

“Seventeen” he mumbles. “What were you doing here?”

“I was looking at your things.”

“…” he raises his eyebrow in a rather disrespectful way. “My things” he repeats.

“Yes.”

“…there’s nothing here.”

“There… is” the older man takes one more look around. “It’s the only room in this house that isn’t empty.”

“Well, the only things I can see belong to you” Sasuke informs.

“Is that so?”

He ignores the question and gets inside. He furrows his brows and tries to activate his sharingan, but nothing happens. Chakra does not work in this strange world of dreams and he is not that surprised by it.

“Did you die?”

He feels it. His long dead father is here, just behind him, speaking and moving. And he fails to find any comfort in that thought. He tries to name emotions whirling within him. Shock is not the right word to describe what he feels now. No, it’s… something much worse. He is scared.

“No, I didn’t” he lets out. After a moment he adds: “Yet.” He watches the space once more and finally forces himself to look at his father. His heart accelerates immediately. He is stressed. He doesn’t want to talk to him anymore. It will not do anybody any good. “What is this place?”

“I would like to know. How come you are here if you never died?”

“I’m dreaming.”

“…”

“I didn’t say I get what’s going on. I’m just answering your question.”

“You’re… seventeen” Fugaku says slowly. “Are you a shinobi?”

Sasuke nods, but he would rather not. Maybe because he knows what to expect next.

“What rank are you?”

He stays still for a while. Then, with no regrets, he lets the worst smile crawl onto his lips. A smile of disdain and pity.

“You died when I was eight, before I managed to see you for the last time. You wasn’t sure if it’s me or not when you first saw me here. You see me now, grown up and alive after nine years of my life and the thing you’re most interested in is my shinobi rank?” Fugaku narrows his eyes clearly not pleased with his words and his tone, but doesn’t say anything. “I guess the next question will concern Itachi. You’ll want to know how he is doing and if he already became the Hokage.”

“The thing I was most interested in was whether you are Sasuke, then how old you are and if you are still among the living. You, on the other hand, were more interested in what I was actually doing in your room. So don’t you try to make some idiot out of me here” Fugaku is now standing just in front of him, his face close to Sasuke’s, looking at him a bit from above.

“I’m genin.”

 _Defense by attack_. It’s surprisingly easy to throw his father off balance. Seeing him confused brings a naughty feeling of satisfaction. But Sasuke is too scared to enjoy it. How come the last two times he was taken from here when he didn’t want to, and now he is forced to stay even if he NEEDS to get back…?

“All…right.”

“And Itachi is dead.”

“…is it funny for you?”

“A bit.”

“Sasuke!”

“I have no idea what I’ve expected since the moment I saw you last time” Sasuke says hoarsely.

“Well, I certainly didn’t expect my son to become an insolent brat, regardless of the circumstances.”

“You have your firstborn to thank for it. Not to mention yourself.”

“All right, if our conversation is going to turn into an argument, then I have no intention to keep it going any longer. Get somewhere else where you can come back to your right senses and then we can talk” with that, Fugaku turns around and gets out of the room with heavy steps, leaving his son behind.

 _I had the very first argument with my father in my life_ Sasuke realizes.

He wakes up from a nap with his heart pounding wildly in his chest.

* * *

He does not want to go there again. Not after he was… basically sent away to his room. How annoying.

He was scared.

He remembers having loved his father. He can recall some rare occasions when the man hugged him or ruffed his hair and smiled at him, but they were all drown into the moments when he was ignored. It hurt him when he was little, it angered him later when he grew up a bit. But he must have never fully realized it until he saw his father again.

What he does realize is that, ever since he remembered, he was a bit afraid of his father. Apparently, he didn’t grow out of it.

After four days he gets transported there again. He moves from the kitchen to the porch and sits there, leaning against the wooden column. Irritation disappeared and the only thing left is fear. It doesn’t take long for him to hear steps approaching him from behind. Fugaku sits next to him and is quiet for a long while.

“What would you say… if I suggested we try once again?”

Sasuke doesn’t move. He… isn’t sure.

“Sasuke.”

“What for” he whispers. “You’re dead for years now. For me it’s just a dream. You can be a product of my imagination.”

“You don’t really believe I am, do you?”

No. No, he really… believes that he met Uchiha Fugaku here. He can see his father moving to sit with his body facing him.

“I don’t have much to talk about, child” Fugaku says quietly. “I could ask you questions, but seeing how you have no problem with ignoring them, I doubt it’s a good idea.”

“Ask me questions” Sasuke mutters, wiping his eyes with his fingers. “I have no idea what I should ask you about, so… if you want to know something… just ask. Whatever it is.”

He wonders if his father already noticed how tensed he is. What would he think about it?

“All right, then. Do you have a girlfriend?”

Sasuke chokes abruptly, certain that he will fall from the porch.

“What the hell” he snorts. “Of all the questions you choose…” he stops because he sees one of the rare half-smiles on his father’s lips.

“Would you rather explain to me why you are still genin at the age of seventeen?”

“It’s… a long story I’m not ready to tell. Are you mocking me?”

“I’m merely trying to lighten up your mood. And I was curious. Women don’t pass by such features indifferently.”

Sasuke looks at him incredulously. Hearing such a careless statement from his ever serious father… is a surprise.

“I… don’t have a girlfriend” he says uncertainly.

“You don’t look very sure of that. Do you have someone in mind?”

“…stop it” Sasuke can’t hide a tiny smile of embarrassment that appears on his face.

“Do you?” he presses.

“…there is one girl that is interested in me. But… it’s not a good idea. She doesn’t think clearly at the moment…” he furrows his brows. “How come I’m even telling you this” he hides his face in his palm, not sure of what is happening. Normally he would never tell anybody about it.

“I can ask you something more if you want.”

“…fine.”

“Did you awaken your sharingan?”

“I did.”

“When?”

“After I graduated from the Academy. But when I think of it now… it had two tomoe already. I must have awakened it earlier, probably on the day of the massacre.”

A silence falls over them at the memory of the bloody night they both remember. Sasuke notices his father shifts uncomfortably.

“I guess you would like to know what this was all about” he murmurs gloomily.

“I know about the coup.”

“You do, don’t you.”

“I know Konoha ordered Itachi to kill the Uchiha. That or he would die with us.”

“Was it Itachi who revealed the truth to you?”

“Itachi” Sasuke mumbles. “Damn it. It’s… unbelievable. You can’t know anything. You were already dead” he finishes with a whisper, biting his lower lips to hold his emotions from exploding.

And he tells him. He tells him how he was late from school on that memorable day. He tells him how he saw their dead bodies and what Itachi made him believe. His lies and their purpose. He doesn’t stop there and moves on to tell him he lived alone, and all he could do was train. He tells him about the graduation and his team, how they grew closer and he felt at ease.

And then he stops. He is not ready to reveal his mistakes. Not to his father.

“Just before I died, I gave your brother one last order” Fugaku says after a long silence. “I told him to take care of you. And he said he would.”

Sasuke is not sure what his father means. Does he blame Itachi for what happened to him? For a very short moment he feels an urge to defend his brother. He is used to defending him. But it passes… and all that remains is regret.

And I feels amazing.

He falls. His eyes are slightly wet when he wakes up, but he does not admit it.

* * *

He blinks. He sits at the kitchen table, just in front of his father who eyes him carefully.

“You appear and disappear just like that. Or maybe I should tell you emerge from the air and fade away” the older man murmurs.

“I wake up.”

“I see.”

“And you?” Sasuke leans against the wall with his arm lying on the low table, just like his father. “You’re here all the time?”

“Yes” he nods slowly. “I guess this is what the afterlife is like.”

“You have been here ever since you died?”

“I’m not sure. I guess I was somewhere else, but the time here is not the same as the one that I knew when I was alive” Fugaku moves his hand through his hair and looks at his son. “How long has it been to you?”

“Six days this time. Sometimes I get back faster” he taps the table with his fingers. “Am I the first person you met?”

“I think I saw someone already. In fact, I think I may have seen Itachi, but I don’t remember clearly. Maybe we even had a conversation.”

“You know…” Sasuke shifts uncomfortably. “I know when I first talked about Itachi I was…”

“Sarcastic and disrespectful.”

“…fine, whatever. But if you want to know something about him, I do know some details.”

“Even though he left the village?”

Sasuke bites his lip. He did wonder how to tell his father about his wasted life, or IF tell him about it at all. He is not ready to be judged once again. Not by him.

“I… killed him” he lets out abruptly.

“…Sasuke.”

“I mean… it’s not like I stabbed him with a kunai from behind. We had a final fight and… Itachi died. It was before I got to know about the coup and all this… What I told you last time, the things Itachi told me, his lies. I believed him. He wanted me to kill him and I… played along. I hated him.”

“So what exactly did you do if stabbing him with a kunai was not what happened?” Sasuke hears a clear note of disapproval, irritation and anger in this low voice and he almost shivers.

“We had a fight and… we exhausted each other. Itachi had the mangekyo and at that moment he was already almost blind. I did my best to keep up to him. He started coughing out blood. Later I found out he was sick. When our chakra was too low to continue, he basically collapsed. He died” he finishes all tensed, not sure what to expect.

“So…” Fugaku finally opens his mouth. “Itachi wanted you to kill him, he lied to you, you believed him and you did exactly what he wanted you to do.”

“Just say that I’m a damn idiot and spare me the talk about my stupidity” he mumbles.

“Language, and I would like you to watch your tone. I’m not attacking you, I’m trying to understand what happened.”

“You don’t need to speak your mind openly for me to understand how disappointed you are. Give me some credit.”

“What happened later?” his statement is ignored.

“I collapsed as well. When I woke up, I was in a hideout that belonged to this missing-nin organization Itachi belonged to. One of their members told me the truth about the massacre.”

“How did he know it? You mentioned that no one but the Elders knew.”

“This man helped Itachi during the massacre. He killed half of the clan and made him join the Akatsuki later” he stops for a moment. “He started the Fourth Great Shinobi War.”

“There was another war?” Fugaku raises his eyebrows wearily. “Always wars, no matter what era.”

“The First Hokage said something like that too…”

“How on Earth do you know what the First Hokage said?”

“…well. That man from the Akatsuki fought with the Shinobi forces using Edo Tensei. He revived dead people, called them back from the afterlife or something and manipulated them to fight the shinobi.”

“Edo Tensei? So someone used it to make a war? Smart.”

“Are you actually impressed?” Sasuke snorts.

“I don’t approve of wars in general, but I can see a mastership in this strategy.”

“Don’t you?” he mumbles, narrowing his eyes. “So why did you plan a coup d’état to take over the village?”

“Because our clan was full of foolish people who wanted me to act. Konoha didn’t respect us and I do agree that it was going too far. Meetings with the Elders didn’t bring any solution. When the village started to actually act hostile towards us, many members of the Police Force started to plot. I didn’t approve for months, and believe me when I say it. But the time came when I broke. It was when two of our officers were assigned a mission by the Hokage. They didn’t come back. Killed in action. That’s what they told us. But Itachi came to me and revealed that they have been assassinated on Elders’ order. I lost my patience towards them on that day. Slowly I was finding out that it wasn’t a lone case. Ever since the Kyuubi attack eleven Uchiha have been assassinated behind our back. And behind the Hokage’s back as well, as I understood later. Sarutobi was susceptible to manipulation, he got dumbed by his closest people. Any meetings or conversations with him became pointless, he was nothing more than a pawn in someone’s hands.”

“And… you agreed to the coup.”

“Yes, I did.”

“You wanted to kill the Hokage and take his place.”

“I did not want to kill anyone, even Sarutobi. And I didn’t even dream about becoming the next Hokage. I wanted my clan to be treated with decency. The coup was hardly a suitable mean to achieve my goal, but we had nothing left.”

“Kill Danzo?” Sasuke suggests gloomily.

“I think Danzo was indeed somebody that I did want to kill, especially after I found out what he was doing to the Uchiha for all those years. But it was not possible to kill him. He had his ROOT and Sarutobi’s support. Stupid old man. He should have got rid of him for good just after Danzo sent his pawns to assassinate him” Fugaku sighs heavily. “What do you know about Danzo anyway?”

Sasuke keeps quiet for too long and he knows every passing second only reassures his father that there is something more he will not be proud of.

“What did you do?”

“I messed up.”

“How much?”

“…a lot.”

“You’re hardly a fine person to talk to, Sasuke.”

“I’m sorry I don’t match your standards, but you are not that great yourself, either.”

He is surprised because Fugaku lets out a short laugh and a smile stays for a moment on his lips.

“You certainly take after me in that matter, so I guess I can’t complain too much, can I?” he notices Sasuke’s uncertain eyes. “What is it?”

“Nothing, just… I don’t remember ever seeing you so much at ease. You never laughed at anything I said. You hardly ever talked to me or spared any time to listen to me.”

Fugaku is looking at him for a long moment before he shakes his head lightly. He taps the table with his fingers, visibly trying to plan what to say next.

“It wasn’t to hurt you, you know” he almost whispers. “Your mother mentioned to me that you felt disregarded. I didn’t really believe her until you learned the Fireball in less than a week.”

“It was the first time you actually gave me some attention. Of course I learned it as quickly as I could. I didn’t want you to be disappointed on me.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You made clear that you were when I failed on my first try.”

“Did I?”

It’s too late to answer him. A new day comes and is waiting for Sasuke to atone for his sins.

* * *

“I did not expect you to succeed on your first try” is the first sentence that he hears the next night when he leaves the kitchen.

“I figured” he shrugs, but passes his father by, not even sparing him a glance.

“What happened?”

“Huh…?”

“You are frustrated” Fugaku penetrates him with his eyes. “What happened?”

“Nothing much.”

_I killed a man, tou-san. He tried to assassinate me and I startled him on the roof. When I avoided his knife, he fell down and I let him die._

“About that Fireball…”

“Leave the Fireball be, I don’t care.”

He feels a hand that catches his left shoulder and forces him to turn around. His father looks at him with slight irritation and weariness, but it all fades away when he takes a closer look at him.

“Sasuke… your arm is missing” he says and raises his son’s short coat. He sees a loose sleeve hanging at his left side.

“Yeah.”

“How did this happen?” the black eyes pierce him with an intense look. “Was it during the war?”

“I guess… you could say it was still the time of war.”

“Leave this sarcasm for somebody else” he watches carefully his arm that ends with his elbow. “When did it happen?”

“Around half a year ago.”

“Is this why you never made it further than genin?”

“No, it has nothing to do with it” he takes one step back to release himself. “It doesn’t bother me that much. I got used to it already.”

“You can fight?”

“I lost an arm, tou-san, not my legs. I can still move” he answers, opening the screens to sit on the porch.

“Your left hand was dominant, it must have been a change” Fugaku sits just next to him, his eyes not leaving his son’s left side. “Can you write?”

“I could write with both hands even before you died.”

“I… see. What about the seals?”

“It was more of a bother, but I learned one-handed seals. Now they usually work. I wonder why I never considered learning them before. And besides, I don’t use ninjutsu too much. I prefer taijutsu.”

“What weapon do you use?”

“Shuriken and sword.”

“You’ve learned to use a sword?” a shade of smile appears on Fugaku’s lips when he says those words after a short pause.

“What about it?”

“A long sword was my significant weapon” the smile widens a bit and it gives Sasuke an impression that his father feels some nostalgia. “You may not know it, but during the Third War I was famous among our opponents due to my skills.”

“…what?”

“I tried to infect your brother with swordsmanship when he became chuunin, but of all fighting styles this was the one that didn’t suit him. He didn’t progress much for a year and I could see it only irritated him. Itachi preferred ninjutsu and I figured he would be fine without a sword. He learned the basics though” Fugaku’s thoughts float far away from Sasuke. “Shisui achieved much higher level, but he was always in love with genjutsu, so the time came when our training sessions stopped.”

“You taught Shisui?”

“Yes, I did.”

“…when?”

“At the same time I trained your brother. Shisui became his sparring partner, so if he wasn’t away for a mission he often came along. About the sword, he was around thirteen. But we did not train that regularly.”

Sasuke feels a small sting in his heart. But he doesn’t say anything. There is no use.

“I always thought that I would teach you when you’re big enough. I never expected to die so early.”

_Oh._

“It’s possible you may not have seen my sword. I kept it hidden deep in the shed. I didn’t need it in the village, and I hardly ever got assigned any missions away from Konoha. During trainings with your brother I used only wooden training gears.”

“Can I see it?”

“How do you want to…”

“I can see your things here. If it stayed hidden in the shed, then maybe I can find it there” Sasuke stands up, hoping that his father will not notice how enthusiastic he is about something so trivial.

“Go ahead. Though it may take some time” Fugaku follows him to the small wooden building in the corner.

Sasuke opens the door and is met with a strange sight: he remembered shelves full of useless things. Now there are many holes between things that belonged to his father.

“It’s funny” he comments before he can stop himself.

“What is?”

“The holes between your things here” he looks around. “Do you remember where you put it?”

“On the highest shelf there, in the corner. Behind the boxes.”

“You can see the boxes too?

“Yes, but not the content, I guess. But I would like to know how you are going to look for it if there is no ladder here.”

Sasuke freezes immediately. Then he eyes the older man unfavorably.

“You _had to_ put it up there, didn’t you.”

“Imagine that I did not plan to get to a place that looks like my house, where I can only see things that belongs to you. And after my death, mind you” at that, Sasuke rolls his eyes. “Maybe if I’ve known how interested you would be, I would have considered putting it in a more accessible place."

“I’m not that interested.”

“You’ve just pouted.”

“No, I haven’t.” He crosses his arms (or tries to, even though one is missing). A second later he realizes he must look like a whining child. “Besides, what kind of shinobi puts his favorite weapon on the highest shelf in a messy shed.”

“I told you. I did not use it inside the village.”

“Hn.”

“…did you just… Sasuke you will fall down” Fugaku enters the shed, ready to pull him back from the shelf he is standing on now.

“If I do, I’ll just wake up” he ignores his father and quickly climbs up to the highest shelf.

He moves the boxes, one heavy and another very light. The third one is empty, so he puts it on the side with ease. And just then, he sees it. A long weapon hidden in a sheath is lying there in the corner. He takes it from its place and jumps down from the shelves.

He watches it carefully. There is nothing special about the sword, really. It’s a simple tool with no useless ornaments. It basically looks like his own. Sasuke can feel its weight like in the real world. He takes off the sheath and touches the cold metal. The edges are sharp, which means the weapon is ready to use. He wonders… has he really never seen it before? There is something familiar in the reflexes…

“Sasuke?”

He looks up and sees his father’s furrowed brows.

“Yes?”

“What is the color of the sheath of your own sword?” he asks carefully.

“It’s black… but why do you want to know?”

“And this one?”

“…brown?” Fugaku approaches him and takes the sword in his hands. “You can see it?”

“Yes, but it looks… different. Newer. And it has a black sheath” he is silent for a moment. “Shinobi hardly ever own swords. How did you became an owner of yours?”

He opens his eyes. He blinks. He stretches his hand and picks up his sword hidden in a black sheath from the grass.

Holy shit. He doesn’t want to see his father again. What will he tell him…?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...because Fugaku can bear only this much.
> 
> Next chapter is gonna be messy. Well, not messy in a sense of warnings or ratings, but emotionally messy.
> 
> Please, tell me what you think so far:)


	3. A storm in the oasis of opportunity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a looong chapter. Enjoy:)

* * *

The universe has no mercy: he comes back the next night. And in a desperate attempt to wake up from his dream, he stands up, steps into the corridor and is ready to hit the opposite wall with full speed…

But a strong hand squeezes his arm, holding him back where he stands.

“I prefer not to even ask what you were up to” a low voice of his father make him flinch. “But before you _wake up_ again, you have a bunch of very interesting things to tell me about. Don’t you, Sasuke?”

He would feel bad for all those criminals who had the misfortune to be interrogated by Uchiha Fugaku, the head of the Police Force. He certainly would, if he wasn’t this scared.

“Kitchen. Now.”

He is sure in a moment he will turn into an eight-years-old version of himself. He should be happy that he wasn’t called to his father’s study.

They sit like the last time, each of them at his own side of the kitchen table. Sasuke avoids two penetrating black eyes that pin him to the floor, trying to think about what to expect.

“As I said” he flinches once again, when Fugaku’s voice cuts the silence “it is rare for a shinobi to use sword. If we use one, it’s usually a short version. But I have hardly met anyone who used the long one in my life. I didn’t think much of it at the beginning, when you said you could use it, but you needed to have a teacher. I’m positive that on the day when I died there was no one in Konoha apart from me who was able to fight with it. So, do tell, who was your sensei?”

Sasuke bites his lip, not even thinking about giving an answer. For all these years, he considered himself somehow mature and independent, resistant to others’ desires and emotions. The war forced him to rethink his opinion, but during the journey, he was perfectly capable of handling himself and completing the missions that Konoha sent him, no matter the rank.

But now, in the presence of his father, he loses all self-confidence and any remains of his old, forced arrogance that stayed hidden in the darkest corner of his soul.

“Uchiha Sasuke, you are going to answer my question.”

“I just… found it. The sword.”

“You _found it_.”

“Yeah…”

“Make this lie at least a bit believable.”

“It was in the shed, why wouldn’t I…”

“It was not in the shed when I died.”

“…huh?”

“Your brother used it to kill the Uchiha. I don’t think he put it back on its place when he was done. And even if he had, you would not have found it.”

Sasuke feels his blood freezing in his veins. His sword, the one he used as his main weapon, the one he mastered… was soiled with blood of his kin.

The blood of his _parents_.

No, he _did not_ want to know that.

“Answer me.”

“Just drop it, what does it matter anyway” he growls helplessly.

“How the hell did you end up with Orochimaru. Because correct me if I’m wrong, but he has not been pardoned for his actions, has he?”

“Why Orochimaru?”

“That’s exactly what I want to know” his father penetrates him with his dark eyes and Sasuke breaks. He looks elsewhere wishing for nothing more than to evade this dark, angered look.

“How can you know it was him” he mumbles defeated, wiping his face.

“He taught me. He lent me this special sword when I was young. It was mine to use until I die, then he was to retrieve it. How could I not know?”

“He _taught_ you?”

“Do not change the subject.”

The atmosphere is getting more and more uncomfortable when Sasuke tries to prepare himself for the inevitable conversation. He is not ready for it. _He is not_.

“ _Sasuke_.”

“…I’ve told you already. I messed up.”

He can see with a corner of his eye that his father clenches his fist.

“I… went to him” he utters silently.

“For WHAT.”

“I needed power to beat Itachi.”

“I hope you are proud of yourself, because I certainly am not.”

Something like irritation fills his chest, but he cannot speak. He is too embarrassed of himself. Silence falls for long minutes when none of them tries to say anything.

“You have nothing to say?” Fugaku asks finally.

“What can I say?”

“Explain yourself.”

“What for” Sasuke hisses, more irritated with every passing second. “I’ve already explained myself before the Council and I was pardoned. Don’t treat me like I’m some little kid who doesn’t listen to his parents.”

“You deserted Konoha.”

“Yeah, I did. And YOU plotted against the Hokage, so much for being the one to talk.”

“This was the only possible way, and don’t change the subject-“

“This conversation is finished now. I am not going to talk to you about my past. You have no right to judge me. I will not let you give opinion about something you didn’t see with your own eyes.”

“I am your father and what you did is very much my business-“

“You are DEAD!” Sasuke hits the table with his lone fist so hard that he feels the floor vibrating. “By some miracle or some curse, I met you once again after your elder son killed you for treason. I have no intention to explain myself to some ghost, and you have no right to expect anything from me after you dropped dead!”

“I raised you to become a decent man and a shinobi, but you wasted it all on some stupid desires!”

“You did not raise me, my mother did, along with my older brother, YOU ignored me for eight years of my life!”

“And you think Mikoto would be pleased with your actions?!”

“I was a child when you died! You left me on my own, in a world I knew nothing about, without anyone to ask about anything! I saw Itachi standing above your bodies with a blade covered with your blood, I watched him stabbing you with it in his Tsukuyoumi that he put over me! What do you expect from a child who saw his parents’ death from his big brother’s hands?! To make reasonable choices?! I was eight!”

“At this age your brother made chuunin-“

“I AM NOT Itachi and I will never be! I never want to be like him!”

“You would learn a lot from him if you only tried!”

“Yeah, for example how to traumatize your little brother and make him become a criminal. The son you worshipped for so long made me choose the path I followed for half of my life!”

“He made it for the sake of the Uchiha.”

“The Uchiha were a clan of idiots who deserved to be condemned for their hunger for power, yet for Itachi their honor was more important than destroying the life of a brother he claimed to love.”

“One lost life is nothing in the whole history. Sacrifices are always made.”

Sasuke keeps silent for ten seconds, staring intensely at his furious father. He wants to gather his thoughts before he speaks again.

“So you approve of his decision” he growls.

“I wish there have been another solution. But the Uchiha must have been slaughtered without anybody knowing the real reason behind it. That Itachi didn’t kill you only proves he thought about the future.”

“I played along and I did everything he planned. I killed him, I had my revenge, I restored the honor of the Uchiha. No one knows about the coup the clan plotted. Yet now, when we speak, you are pissed with me.”

“You wasted the honor Itachi tried to preserve with your unreasonable choices. You left the village, thus you became a missing-nin. For what?!”

“I. Needed. POWER. To fight Itachi and win. I needed to find someone strong enough to prepare me for this fight.”

“It’s a thinking of a child.”

“I was TWELVE. What do you expect from a twelve-years-old boy, fresh out from the Academy?!”

“To _think_.”

“Fine, I’m done with this. I should have known that you would take Itachi’s side even before this conversation began” he stands abruptly, ready to leave the kitchen.

“I am not taking sides, Sasuke.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Do not turn your back on me when I am speaking to you.”

“Who the hell is turning his back on who here?!” they stop in the entrance, facing each other.

“If you only tried to think about anybody but yourself” Fugaku pokes his son’s chest with his index finger. “Maybe then you could understand the sacrifice your brother made for all of us. Especially for you.”

“Maybe if you saw me just once back then. Maybe then you would realize that ever since that day I gave up on _everything_. My childhood, my time, my happiness, my sleep, any friends I would ever made. I gave up on all this to avenge my mother, my cousins, uncles, aunts, and you, my own father. I swore to kill Itachi, to hate him with all my power, even though I still loved him. All of this just for your sake, because such a crime, killing your own family for _fun_ , cannot be overlooked, but no one cared about what happened. I tried to live up to the Uchiha name, I wanted to be worthy of being called one of you. So don’t you dare tell me that I was an egoist.”

“Sasuke-“

“I deserted Konoha, yes. I trained under Orochimaru, potentially risking my life, because he wanted me to be his next vessel. I was running out of time to become strong enough to beat him when the time comes. He was weakened and by some miracle I managed to kill him. I found Itachi, I fought him and I beat him. If this already disgusts you, then better plug your ears now. Because right after the fight, Tobi told me the truth behind the massacre and I decided to destroy Konoha, to make them pay for what they did to Itachi and to the Uchiha. I needed to complete my revenge. I joined the Akatsuki. I killed Danzo, which cost me my sight. He used Izanagi with sharingan eyes that he had stolen after the massacre, implanted into his arm. I overused my mangekyo. I implanted Itachi’s eyes into my sockets. I met reanimated Itachi who tried to convince me to rethink my decision. I revived Orochimaru so he could help me revive the previous Hokage. I needed reasons to leave Konoha in peace, needed an excuse to abandon the revenge I vowed to fulfill for your sake. But they did not deserve my mercy. I fought in a war and helped them win just because I planned to start a revolution, because all those cheap ideals of love and peace have never worked so far in the history. By then, I’ve already turned into a madman and I was lucky that there were my friends I gave up on long ago who forced me to stop. I was pardoned thanks to my sensei from my genin days who became the new Hokage.”

Fugaku’s eyes do not leave his own when he speaks. Sasuke sees nothing in them.

A feeling of injustice and betrayal takes over him. He wakes up with wet eyes and this time, he does not deny it.

* * *

Again, he gets no rest from this dreamy world. He comes back next night and finds no power within himself to rebel against the universe. He makes no move, he stays in the kitchen.

Alone.

It takes Fugaku some time to notice his presence in the house. He stops abruptly in the corridor and Sasuke can sense his uncertainty. He does not turn around to face him. He does not move. He sits. Like a statue.

Fugaku slowly takes some steps and enters the kitchen. He stops in front of his son, but does not lower himself to sit on the floor. His stare irritates Sasuke. When he cannot bear it anymore, he stares back into his father’s dark eyes, prepared not to lose this battle.

“That’s it?” Fugaku’s lips barely move. “You will now stare at me and keep quiet? After everything you spat out in my face?”

“You have only yourself to blame for it. I made it quite obvious that I didn’t consider telling you about my life a good idea.”

“I am actually glad I’ve heard this story.”

“Oh, yes. Delighted.”

“If you think that being disrespectful towards me is going to give you any advantages, then you are wrong. It only pisses me of.”

Sasuke rests his head against the wall and sighs deeply closing his eyes. He stands up swiftly and looks at his father from almost the same level.

“If YOU think that looking down at me is going to give YOU any advantages, then YOU are wrong. Do not assume that I still want to gain your approval. I _don’t_. You died nine years ago. You are no clan leader anymore. You are not my _father_ anymore, even though I still forget about it when I hear you speaking.”

“It is a good strategy to adjust to my disapproval, persuading yourself that I’m nothing more than a ghost, an unwanted illusion in your subconscious. You have never taken criticism with ease, so I am not very surprised. You bring on the defense, even though there is nothing to defend yourself from.”

“You are attacking me. You can’t expect me to sit still.”

“I am no-“

“How is blaming me not an attack. HOW. Or maybe I’m too stupid to understand EVEN that in your opinion?”

“You messed up, you admitted it yourself, thus I fail to understand what you are so frustrated about. You cannot expect me to stay still and tell you that you did nothing wrong, especially considering that I am your father.”

“I messed up, I did, I messed up like hell. But it’s been a while now, I had plenty of time to think about it and I will not let anyone make me believe that it was my fault.”

“Now you basically said that you don’t think you messed up. Use your head, Sasuke, consider your words and only then speak aloud.”

“So now I am incoherent as well. Joy” Sasuke turns back and leaves the kitchen. He walks to his room, shuts the door and falls heavily on his bed. He presses his hand to his forehead, trying to calm his racing mind. He is too tired for this conversation. A conversation with his dead father about his own mistakes. He needs rest. He breathes deeply to regain his coolness. Inhale. Exhale. He hears steps in the corridor. His father does not open the door, but it sounds as if he is positioning himself near the doorframe. But he does not speak right away.

Then again his close presence is enough to make Sasuke livid.

“ _Go away_ ” he growls after a minute.

“Avoiding me is not a right way to deal with it.”

“You don’t exist anymore.”

“Yet here I am, talking to you.”

“You are not talking to me, you are lecturing me.”

“I wouldn’t if you were giving me decent answers” the door opens and Fugaku approaches the futon with calm steps.

“Get out of here.”

“We are talking right now.”

“You said that, not me. I don’t agree. I have no intention to talk to you.”

“Probably because you are afraid of being criticized-“

“I am not afraid of you. Not anymore.”

And with that Sasuke closes his father’s mouth. For one long minute.

“I am not trying to make you scared here. I simply want to talk to you.”

“For _what_.”

“For you to understand your mistakes.”

“Spare your time then. I’ve already understood them. I don’t need you to put me back into this endless stream of thinking that I’ve barely managed to escape before I came to this place. You claim that I need to admit I made mistakes. I admit that I made them, yet you still press that I don’t. You claim that you know me better that I know myself despite that you’ve last seen me more than half of my life ago, and even then, you barely knew anything about me. I’m telling you I refuse to acknowledge that it was my fault, because I do.”

“You are responsible for your mistakes, Sasuke.”

“I am atoning for those mistakes right now. I can never fix what I destroyed, so all left to do is to make sure I will never take this path again. But it wasn’t my fault. It was not my idea to plot against the village. It wasn’t my idea to solve the impasse with a massacre. I didn’t agree to become a pawn in Itachi’s hands. You can blame me all you want. You can call me a monster, a degenerate, but it was not my fault.”

“So you blame all the world for what you’ve become?”

“I blame Konoha’s Elders. The Uchiha. Itachi. Do you think I would have become someone like that if all those people had been in their right mind?”

“Your brother saved you.”

“My brother wrote me off. He made me become a sacrifice-“

“Which are always made. We are shinobi, Sasuke.”

“I wasn’t ready to be one. I wouldn’t have ended up like this if he had just killed me along with all of you.”

“He allowed you to _live_. You’ve got a privilege that none of us has been given back then.”

“And what a magnificent life it was” he almost whispers. Fugaku hesitates for a second, before he speaks again.

“He could not know what you would become in the future. He thought it was the right decision.”

Sasuke is quiet for too long. Fugaku eyes him after a while from his place next to the mattress: his lone arm that lays rested on his belly, moves to his head and tangles in dark hair.

“I wish Itachi was still alive” Sasuke says quietly. “Maybe then I would convince you to try to understand my actions.”

“And here you go again, Sasuke. It’s impossible to me to approve of your actions-”

“Stupid old man” Fugaku stops abruptly and watches Sasuke sitting up with his back facing him. “You are hopeless like that. You want to talk, but you stay deaf to everything I say. In your mind you call me incoherent and stupid, yet you make no effort to think why I seem to you to be like this. You said you wanted to talk” Sasuke turns his head to look at him. His eyes hold reproach and hopelessness that he does not try to hide. “How do you want us to talk if you don’t listen?”

“I-“

“No, you don’t. You DON’T. You’ve already made your own judgement about all of this. You created it in a short moment. You judged once and you don’t waver. As _always_. Ever since I remember.”

Fugaku furrows his brows slightly, watching his young face. He processes his words slowly.

“I am trying to think logically.”

“What happened was not logical at all. It would be logical if Itachi killed me and himself along with all of you. There would be no one to avenge you then, no one to disturb Konoha’s safety in the future. But honor and pride, some ideals people created for their own _destruction_ , forced him to take a risk. This risk was leaving me behind. Alive. He took it. The Elders took it. And they paid for it.”

“No matter how brilliant Itachi used to be back then, he was still barely thirteen. He made the best choice he could.”

“And that would be what you would tell him if he appeared here right now?”

“Yes.”

“So mother was lying” Sasuke lets his body fall back on the futon.

“What about, now?”

“How come you only let Itachi make mistakes when he is still a kid? How come he is allowed to make them and I am not?”

“It’s… not like that, Sasuke. It’s just…” Fugaku pauses for a moment. “Leaving you alive was morally a good thing. Leaving the village is not fine.”

“I wouldn’t have done that if Itachi hadn’t made me.”

“You could have gain power to defeat him in Konoha.”

“You know very well I couldn’t.”

“Itachi would let you kill him no matter how strong or weak you were.”

“And how was I supposed to know that, when he brainwashed me. How? I should have seen through his lies? Well, I am deeply sorry, but I did not. If I had known it was all an act, then I would have sat on my ass and enjoyed my everyday peaceful life with my friends. Unfortunately, I was too stupid and I had some delusions that I need to avenge my family.”

“Sasuke…”

“What.”

It takes Fugaku some minutes to open his mouth again. His voice is wary and tired when he speaks, his hand pressed calmingly to his forehead.

“Don’t blame your brother.”

Silence.

“This is all you can think of to say? _Don’t blame your brother_?”

“He couldn’t know.”

“I couldn’t either. Yet you consequently refuse to absolve me even a bit because this would mean that you have to blame something on Itachi. And you can’t bear it” he closes his eyes, quietly exhaling to prepare himself for what he wants to say. “Of the two of us, you would always choose him. He was your perfect son. You was proud of him even though he betrayed the Uchiha. All those harsh words you said to him back then, when he refused to fulfill your orders, were nothing more than an act. You are actually happy that Itachi killed the clan. You are proud of him. He’s your boy, like he has always been.”

“I loved you both.”

“You never planned to have another child, I have no delusions about it anymore. I was an accident.”

“Many children are not planned, but it does not mean they are unwanted. I acknowledge you as my son not less than I acknowledge your brother. Don’t try to persuade me that I hated you.”

“There is a lot in between love and hate.”

“And by that you mean…?”

“It’s just an ending of our conversation in Itachi’s style.”

“I swear, boy, your sarcasm puts me on edge more than I like it.”

“Deal with it. Now I suggest we end it before one of us goes rampage out of furry.”

“We are not finished yet.”

“Either we are finished, or you’ll see with your own eyes just how disrespectful I can be when someone ignores me” he looks at his father sharply. “Get out. Or we will both regret that you didn’t.”

“It won’t be any easier for you later, Sasuke.”

Sasuke lets his eyelids fall. With his lone hand, he searches for a nerve on his neck and presses it firmly. Clenching his teeth, he watches as everything around fades away, along with the silhouette of his father.

He is awake. A kitten looks at him curiously from his left. Sasuke extends his hand to caress his small head.

Live. He has to live. Move on. But he does not know how.

* * *

Kitchen. Sasuke would roll his eyes, but does not feel like it at the moment. He slowly stands up and directs his steps towards the porch. He lays down on the wood, letting the rays of some unexplainable sun dance against his face. He remembers his childhood. Sometimes he spent long hours on the porch, sleeping, waiting for Itachi to come back home from a mission. He ceased doing this when he started the Academy… Why?

He did not want to be considered lazy. Itachi trained a lot. Everybody said Itachi trained a lot. Sasuke wanted to be like him. Back then he wanted to…

How immature of him. Indeed, he was a naïve child. He worshiped his brother. Later. he tried his best to hate him. And then, when he discovered the truth, he was doing his best to switch back to the adoration towards Itachi. Itachi was a martyr. A victim of the system. The best brother he would ask for.

He still believed it when he left Konoha and departed for his atonement journey. Realization came over around a month later. Endless thoughts, searches for reasons, arguments… And suddenly Itachi was not a saint anymore. Actually…

…actually Sasuke is getting more and more angry with him.

He tried to reason that his brother was thirteen when it all started. A child vulnerable to the influence of his elders. So fine. He made a stupid decision, he believed it was the right one. But he had seven years to change it. _Seven years_ to realize that something was not right here, because you simply do NOT leave your little brother broken for the sake of people who are already dead. In fact, why leaving him alive at all? It was not that suddenly everybody hated the Uchiha when they all died. No, in fact everybody pitied them. Suddenly Sharingan wielders were not grumpy isolated people, policemen, weirdos. Suddenly everybody was sorry. So why did Itachi need him to execute him?

Egoist… Sasuke was not an egoist. Itachi? Yes. A damn egoist who wasted not only his own life, but his brother’s life as well. But apparently expecting people to acknowledge it… is not fine.

Sasuke did plenty of mistakes, but he did not became a criminal on his own. He did not expect anybody not to blame him, but putting the whole blame on him? Half of it, maybe.

People do not like complicated things. Everything needs to be black or white or else it is not worth their time.

The massacre remains a secret. Everybody believes that Itachi was a crazy killer. And what? Bullshit. Nobody considers even for a minute understanding Sasuke’s actions. What they see is that he became a threat. Why? How? What would they do if they were put in such circumstances themselves? Sasuke used to be a kind, happy child. He was not born a criminal, yet PEOPLE DO NOT GET IT. He did not become a criminal overnight, either. It was a process that took years, years of solitude, lack of care, lack of mental help.

Honestly. Sasuke would not be surprised if he found out Danzo planned all of this. To leave him like this, vulnerable to the horrors in his own mind. He wanted all the Uchiha dead, he could find a way.

People are people. But having his father, _his dead non-existent father_ , not even trying to understand him… It hurts. It just hurts.

He hears his steps even now. The screens move and Uchiha Fugaku freezes at the sight of his son.

Sasuke opens his eyes and looks lazily at him. He sees his hand clenching the frame of the screen. He would roll his eyes, but limits himself to close them again.

“So?” he hears.

“ _So_?”

“What do you want to say?”

He lets out a long hum and slowly stretches his limbs.

“Nothing new. What about you?”

“Then come back when you have something to say and don’t waste my time.”

“Wasting your time? I wouldn’t even dream of it.”

Two seconds. Then strong hands catch his clothes and pick him up from the porch. Before he knows it, his back slams against the wooden pillar. He can feel his mouth opening against his will in unspoken shock, when his father’s black eyes penetrate him, half standing half hanging, with pure rage.

He wakes in the real world under the dark sky and stays still for some minutes.

His father was many things and made many mistakes, but he has never been violent towards his children, not even once. To think he would…

Sasuke presses his lips into a firm line.

His eyes close. He will not leave it like this. Not this time.

Not more than a minute later the kitchen appears once again. He raises swiftly and blocks his father’s way on the corridor, startling him. They share a long look. Fugaku sighs heavily.

“What is it this time?”

“Well, you slammed me to the pillar a moment ago.”

“It’s been a while.”

“Five minutes for me.”

“Let me pass, Sasuke” his father tries to pass by, but is stopped by his son’s lone arm.

“There is a question… I wanted to ask you” Sasuke utters through clenched throat.

“Ask me later.”

“When?”

“When the meaning of your actions gets to you. Before that I have no intention to talk to you” Fugaku forces his way to the kitchen. Sasuke feels an urge to snap back, but quickly abandons the idea.

“Are you my biological father?”

The older Uchiha stops abruptly. There is a moment of suspension and then he slowly turns around with his fist clenched.

“What. The. FUCK. Sasuke.”

“Believe it or not, I did wonder about it.”

“WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU INSINUATING?!”

“That maybe mother got raped on one of her super-classified, super-secret mission she was getting all the time. The ones she thought I don’t know about.”

“If you tried to get my attention with a shitty idea like this, then congratulation, you succeeded” Fugaku growls through clenched teeth.

“I was serious” Sasuke says quietly, not looking away. “Just didn’t find a good moment to ask earlier.”

Silence falls over them for a while. The tensed silence they already know all too well.

“I could ask you what made you feel this way, but I guess it’s useless as we have already had this conversation” Fugaku wipes his face with his hands. He makes some steps and starts walking back and forth. He stops, putting his hands on his hips, visibly thinking about something.

“Was it your idea?”

“What?” he looks at his son.

“Did you tell Itachi to make me hate him so I can avenge the Uchiha?”

“No, I had no idea which side he was on. You think I would let an order of such an assassination be given to my own child…?”

“As if you hadn’t known.”

It’s the first thing that comes to his head and he voices it, even if just to irritate his father a bit more. But Fugaku presses his lips into a thin line and closes his eyes for a moment.

“What do you know about it?” he asks silently.

“Well… Nothing, really” and it has been a year since the last time when Sasuke felt the picture of the massacre wavering… unexpectedly. “Wait, what do you…” he blinks, fighting against the part of him that wants to dismiss the idea of such a possibility… “You-“

“Let’s drop this for now” his father breaths out and for the first time Sasuke realizes that he is not the only one who is being drained of energy by their arguments. He keeps silent for a while, debating whether to push the matter or drop it…

No. He cannot deal with it right now. He doesn’t even want to. He sighs and wipes his eyes with his hand.

“So you are positive that it was his idea?” he asks, trying to keep his voice steady.

“I don’t know whose idea it was. But it was not mine” he answers tiredly.

“What would you do?”

“About?”

“If you had been in Itachi’s place. What would you have done if you had got an order to kill your whole clan along with your closest family?”

He can see his father’s searching eyes on his face. What is this man doing? Trying to estimate the amount of harm he is going to cause with his next words? Pondering how much more Sasuke can bear? Considering whether to lie or to say the truth?

“I don’t know what I would have done” he offers finally.

“Then please think about it and give me your answer.”

“What for?” the question is spoken in a suffocated voice. “What do you want to hear from me, Sasuke? You want to hear that I hated you? I told you I did not and I would never-“

“If you had to choose” Sasuke interrupts. “Between the two of us.”

Fugaku stays still for a long moment, his eyes not moving of an inch.

“You… No. Sasuke, you simply… _don’t_ ask a parent to choose between their children.”

“Yet you did.”

“Do you have any idea how much pressure I put on your brother’s shoulders ever since he became chuunin?”

“I have a vague idea, but how is that important right now?”

“Then you should think about it more before you make such a judgment.”

“Perhaps. So what would you have done in his place” the answer does not come. “Just tell me.”

“If I had been Itachi I would have done the very same thing” he says quietly. “I know you don’t share my viewpoint… but this is what I would have done, too.”

“Exactly?”

“ _What_ do you want to hear from me?”

“I? What do _you_ not want me to hear?”

“What would _you_ have done?”

Sasuke looks away for a couple of seconds. He hears his father’s steps and registers the man stopping just in front of him.

“I would have killed us all. Had the job done. Ended it. Not leaving anything or anyone behind, myself included.”

“You would have killed your little, powerless brother just so the job was _done_?”

“No, I would have killed my little, powerless brother so he didn’t have to face horrors of the aftermath.”

“You would kill a child?”

“Kill a child? It’s not that I was the only Uchiha child when the massacre happened. Itachi killed-”

“ _Would you_?”

“Yes, I would.”

“And live with his blood on your hands?”

“My hands would already drip with so much blood that I wouldn’t notice one or two drops more.”

“Cruel.”

“Merciful.”

Sasuke watches his father eyeing him hesitantly. There is some kind of grief hidden in his features. The man finally shakes his head weakly.

“I don’t understand you.”

“I know” he lets out quietly. “It’s hard to understand when you couldn’t see it. I want to be angry with people who don’t understand, but I guess Kakashi was right. I shouldn’t just expect people to understand when they simply _can’t_.”

“Did you try…” Fugakus words die on his lips. He presses them and takes a step back.

“…to kill myself?” Sasuke finishes. “No. I had a clan to avenge. But… I probably would have. If I hadn’t found out the truth about the coup.”

“What about your friends? Have you ever thought what it would have done to them?”

“Why would they want me? When I violated values they held precious and showed them my middle finger? Abandoned them? Tried to hurt them? Today I know they would have understood. Back then, I did not. Not after what I did when I went against Konoha. _That_ they couldn’t understand, they could never. But they tried and I’m grateful for that.”

The image of his father fades away. Sasuke could try to open his eyes and greet the new day, but he doesn’t. He covers his face with the blanket and lies on the grass for another long, quiet hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some things may seem a bit unclear, but that's because Fugaku and Sasuke need time to understand each other.
> 
> Fugaku has his own opinion.
> 
> Sasuke is angry because his father doesn't even try to understand him. But at the same time it's not that Sasuke made much effort to understand him either.
> 
> But he will;)
> 
> Thanks for reading! I want to know what you think:)


	4. Let us connect the dots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter, but it's not that short, so I hope you will like it anyway. Enjoy:)

* * *

Next night he is back sitting at the kitchen table. He moves and lies down on the sitting pillows trying his best to ignore his surroundings. For the whole day he failed to dismiss all the ideas that came to his mind during their last conversation… He does not know if he would be able to deal with them.

But his mind just cannot settle and stay quiet, no matter how desperately he needs it to. It works all the time, creating ideas, explanations, suggestions. He prays for it to be silent, even if just for one evening.

_What is all of this to his father?_

Sasuke is not good at considering other people’s feelings. He used to be much better at it when he was a child, but his ability to understand others and support them is now long gone.

Well, it is not, not really, but he likes to think it is. He does not need more problems to think about right now.

So, _what is their reunion to Uchiha Fugaku_?

Is he happy to see his son all grown up? Irritated that somebody disturbs his peace? _What is it?_

What was the massacre to him? The short _what do you know about it_ from yesterday comes back to him again and he gives up his efforts to keep it out of his mind. Did his father _know_?

“You’re back.”

He opens his eyes slowly and sees his father leaning against the doorframe, looking at him. No annoyance or anger present on his severe, tired face.

“Yeah.”

“How long this time?”

“Just one day.”

“Does it happen more often than it used to?”

“I guess” he sits up, running his fingers through his hair. “Hey…”

“…?”

“That thing you asked to leave for later…” he stops because he really is not sure how to put it.

“You want to know if it’s already _later_ ” Fugaku murmurs quietly, apparently aware of what his son is talking about.

“Does later ever come?” Sasuke sighs looking elsewhere. He register his father moving to sit in front of him on the unoccupied pillow.

They both keep silent for a long while until it gets too uncomfortable to ignore.

“Why is this happening” Sasuke mumbles. “I got so caught up in those dreams that I stopped questioning what they are at all.”

“Hn. I would like to give you the answer, but I can’t say I know” Fugaku furrows his brows. “But…”

“Huh?”

“It’s a silly thought, but I remember how my grandmothers used to say how the souls of people who had an unfinished business couldn’t move on to the afterlife.”

“You think that might be it in your case?”

“I don’t know. My grandmothers also claimed that those ghosts wander around, disturbing and scaring living people.”

“I don’t really feel haunted.”

“That’s good.”

And they both allow a small smirk to appear on their faces.

“So… what’s your unfinished business?” Sasuke looks directly at his father who loses his small smile instantly. They stare at each other for ten long seconds.

“Sasuke…”

“How much did you know about the massacre before it happened?”

“…”

“No chance I’m gonna go easy on you. You made me tell you things I didn’t want you to know about, now it’s your turn.”

“I’m glad you told me these things.”

“I’m not.”

“Would you rather I didn’t know and our conversation was one big act?”

“I wouldn’t be acting. I would talk to someone who knows me for something more than my mistakes.”

“I don’t condemn you for these mistakes, Sasuke.”

“Don’t you?”

“It may… seem to you as if I did, but I don’t.”

“What _are_ you doing then?” his father looks just a bit lost, so he presses. “Yesterday I said the first thing that came to my mind. And it turns out that I’m not the only one who wants to hide something here. Why don’t you want me to know the whole truth about the massacre?”

“I’ve told you the truth. You knew it anyway.”

“You told me what happened in general. But the more I think about it, the harder it is to me to believe that you knew nothing about what was going to happen. So… _what_ do you want to hide? Or more like what don’t you want me to know?” his mind is working hard now, gathering all the available data: words that have been spoken, subjects that have been ignored…

“I am not going to tell you this Sasuke” Fugaku answers quietly, thereby admitting that Sasuke is, indeed, right.

“And that’s because…?”

“Because it will not change anything. I’m dead. The massacre happened. There is no reason to dwell into this mess anymore.”

“Bullshit.”

Irritation appears on his father’s face, but it seems a bit forced.

“I’m still very much alive and it matters to me. And whatever you’re trying to hide has something to do with me. It’s not just that you’re ashamed of something you did.”

“You think I’m ashamed of myself?”

“I know how guilt looks like” he says almost softly. An unknown feeling overwhelms him and suddenly he almost thinks the two of them are dealing with very similar issues. “What are you so ashamed of that you can’t reveal to me even after you died?”

“They say that the moment a man dies he sees his whole life in front of him for the last time” Fugaku says slowly. “And it’s true. I have many regrets, Sasuke.”

“Does some of them concern me?”

Silence is his answer and it tells him more than any words would.

“I’d like to know.”

“I don’t want you to know, Don’t make me repeat myself.”

“Don’t you want to move on to the proper afterlife?”

“It’s a legend, Sasuke” Fugaku almost rolls his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. Leave it.”

“Yeah, sure. Not a chance.”

“…”

“Fine, let’s go back to my first question. Did you know that the massacre was going to happen?”

“…I did.”

It’s almost as if Sasuke could feel it when the detailed picture of the events from before nine years cracks. Once again. But he pushes the feeling aside. He has something more important to deal with.

“What did you know?”

“It’s not very complicated. The moment I agreed on the coup, I knew it’s probably a lost cause. It had to end this way.”

“What were another available options?”

“I could report the quarter of the clan to the Hokage as traitors.”

“Yet you didn’t.”

“They were my clansmen and my family. I was their leader. My job was to protect them, not put them in jail or cause them problems.”

“Were you protecting them this way?”

“As hard as it is to believe, I was. If I hadn’t joined their plot, the hell would have broken out one day. People would die. They would have started a civil war. They were blinded by their anger and regret, they couldn’t think straight anymore. They would destroy themselves and their families in the process. Not to mention the village.”

“But you were planning a coup, it would result in violence anyway…”

“I was working on a plan that would limit violence to the absolute minimum. For that I needed Itachi.”

“Itachi…?”

“With his help it would have worked. But he didn’t comply.”

“Did you expect him to?”

Sasuke sits still under his father’s penetrating look, allowing the man to think on his next words.

“What is this question about?” he asks finally in a muffled voice.

“You’re circling around the matter, so let me put it in other words: I can’t shake off the feeling that you wanted the massacre to happen.”

A whole minute passes until his father opens his mouth once again.

“I did not want my clan to get slaughtered, not to mention by my own son.”

“But?”

“…the moment I knew for one hundred percent that Itachi was not going to cooperate with the clan, I knew it was a lost cause. It _would_ have turned into a civil war. I didn’t want that” he sighs deeply and closes his eyes. “It was a choice between two hopeless options. If it even was a choice at all.”

“So when you knew you couldn’t prevent anything… you just gave up.”

“It sounds much too plain and simple considering what happened, but yes. You can put it like this.”

“All…right” Sasuke restrained himself from swallowing, trying to keep himself in check. “But that doesn’t really explain how you knew about the massacre. Itachi didn’t join you, but it’s not that he told you about what the Council planned.”

“He didn’t tell me directly, but I knew him. I could say he was going through a hard internal conflict, it was plain visible in each and every move he made in front of me. His opinions were no secret to me. I knew that he was a double agent of not only the Uchiha, but the village too.”

“You knew he was _betraying_ you and you didn’t do anything about it?”

“And what could I do?”

“Something… Anything. You were the clanhead.”

“What was I supposed to do? Choose my clan over the village? And over my own son?”

Sasuke swallows hard this time, watching his father with incredulous expression on his face. Because…

“Yes” he mumbles before he can stop himself. At the man’s raised eyebrow he collects himself. “I-I mean… that’s what I thought you would have done. What I thought… you did” he taps the table with his fingers, thinking. “Back then it looked like you suddenly gave up on Itachi. As if you decided that he is not worth your time because he didn’t meet your expectations.”

It is his father’s turn to slightly widen his eyes at him in an unspoken bewilderment.

“I mean…” Sasuke tries to put his thoughts into right words. ”It looked like that. Especially when you told me not to be like him.”

“That’s not what I meant by it.”

“Well, what did you mean?”

“Your brother was a pleaser. As strange as it may sound, he was easy to manipulate to some point.”

“ _Easy to manipulate_? Are we talking about Uchiha Itachi?”

“You didn’t know this side of him. He learnt to hide it before you got old enough to remember. But back when he was a child… Let’s just say he was not a good candidate for a shinobi. There were no doubts that he was smart and skilled, but his kind nature was not one of a ninja. The only reason he followed this career path was because it was expected of him. There was never any alternative option. He knew he was to be the heir of the Uchiha clan ever since he could remember. He found his own reason to become a shinobi, he wanted to protect others. The village. So the peace lasts. But the older he got, the more evident it became that it was but an excuse.”

Sasuke does not even want to think about his mask of indifference that shattered a while ago. He listens to his father with every cell of his body, feeling how the image of his brother that he created over years and verified many times in his life crumbles with every word coming out of Uchiha Fugaku’s mouth.

“He was all that a good ninja shouldn’t be: kind, compassionate, tender… He learnt to hide all these… disadvantages, as many would have named them, acting as a perfect young shinobi should act. And everybody believed him. Even I got fooled a couple of times.”

“And you didn’t want me to be like this? That’s what you meant back then?”

“What I meant was that I did not want you to be easily influenced by the ideas of others. I wanted you to be able to make free decisions and decide on your own what you consider right and wrong.”

 _I couldn’t mess up more then,_ Sasuke almost says. Free choices. He chuckles, wiping his eyes with his fingers.

“How ironic” he offers instead, looking around the kitchen. His brain is about to explode because of the amount of newly discovered incompatibilities between his ideas and the reality. The pain it causes him is almost physical. “So… you decided you’re fine with your son killing you all? Because it was a sign that Itachi made his own resolve?”

“It was the best choice considering the circumstances.”

“But you have regrets.”

“I let them all die, Sasuke.”

“You think you failed as a clanhead.”

“That for sure.”

“ _That_? So there is something that you regret even more?”

Fugaku looks at him with narrow eyes as if calculating the risk he is going to cause.

“It… surprises me how you keep looking at it from the wrong perspective.”

“What is wrong about my perspective…?”

“You wanted to talk about my regrets.”

“…yes, I did. Aren’t we doing this right now?”

“Partially.”

“I wanted to know whether or not you knew about the massacre. And if you did then why you didn’t do anything about it.”

“Is there something that is still unclear about it?”

“Well… I don’t really understand why you didn’t fight harder to prevent it.”

“It was impossible to prevent. I would have had to go back in time to prevent it.”

“There _must_ have been a way…”

“That’s what the idealist of our world like to think. But there really wasn’t.”

“What if you went to the Hokage and told him that there were traitors among the Uchiha?”

“And what would it change? He already knew about them. Itachi told him months earlier and Sarutobi did nothing. It wasn’t about him, it was about Danzo. Do you think that the Hokage could manage to arrest nearly a hundred of trained Uchiha without them opposing?”

“Itachi somehow managed to kill them.”

“They didn’t expect him to do this. And to be honest, I have no idea how he managed to do it. I can only guess the mangekyo allowed him to succeed. Sarutobi would probably want to try to solve this mess, but not Danzo. And as much as the Uchiha had an advantage with the sharingan, we would never win against the ROOT.”

“So you choose the less painful death for the clan?”

“I did not want the Uchiha to be remembered as traitors. Because the majority of them didn’t support the idea of the coup. I would rather have one of us slaughter everybody than some unknown ANBU slit out throats.”

“You said earlier you wouldn’t choose your clan over your son.”

Silence. The image of the past is now a bit clearer in Sasuke’s mind, but there are still inconsistences that he needs to solve, like this one… and his father doesn’t say anything that could help him achieve the level of understanding he needs.

“You… did? And this is your regret?”

He blinks. The smell of the forest fills his nostrils when he sits up on the ground. He runs his fingers through his hair in silent contemplation. And it strikes him.

So many words to express something you can put in a short sentence.

 _I know how guilt looks like._ But to understand what someone regrets the most, it’s an entirely different story.

He _must_ be right. Either that or... they spent all that time on walking in circles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, REALLY would like to know what you guys think. Please, give me a piece of your mind:)


	5. Walking in circles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the delay cause I guess there are people out there who have been waiting for this:(
> 
> BUT here you have the next chapter!
> 
> And it's kind of a big one cause some things are explained. But it isn't that big on the other hand... I kinda feel that it's worse than the previous ones. By that I mean that the action is not as smooth as before. Let me know in the comment;)
> 
> Thank you for your support. Enjoy!

* * *

He leaves the kitchen, trying to locate his father. It has been two days and his head is ready to explode after many hours that it took to analyze their last conversation.

The more he tries to understand what kind of man his father is… _was_ , the more clear and predictable his words and reactions get. But it is still difficult to understand someone that you do not know and you have never really known. If it is even possible.

The chance for them to get close to each other was taken away from them too early.

He finds Uchiha Fugaku stretched out on the grass of his mother’s beautiful garden. It is a strange sight to see his father in such a relaxed and casual position, but it only confirms some conclusions that he have come to for the past days. He approaches the man abandoning the idea to hide his steps and without a word he lies down next to him, a bit closer than it would be fully comfortable for the both of them. He can see his father sending him a wary glance with the corner of his eye.

“So if the massacre is not your biggest regret, then what is?” he asks plainly, putting his lone arm under his head. He can hear a quiet snort from his right and a sound of a body brushing the grass.

“Sharp, aren’t you” his father sighs and when Sasuke looks at him, he can see and uncertain expression on his weary face.

“Last time we spoke I got so focused on the subject that I ignored the first part of our conversation” Sasuke admits. “But… it’s not just because I forgot that I couldn’t quite understand what you told me. It’s still hard to me to understand how you think. I’ve always thought I knew basic things about you but the more I think about it now, the more clearly I can see I really know _nothing_ about you.”

Fugaku does not give him any answer and they lie in silence, letting an unreal breeze dance against their skin. As strange as it may be, it brings smells that Sasuke ignored for the last couple of times. He lets himself focus on them again. A strange irritant smell reaches his nostrils and he frowns slightly trying to identify it.

“Did you smoke?”

His father turns his head to look at him, surprised.

“Where does it come from?”

“It’s just the smell. Of cigarettes.”

“From time to time. Mostly when I had pressing matters to solve.”

“You mean when you were stressed?”

Fugaku smirks and lets out a short laugh, running his fingers through his hair.

“I guess.”

“I can remember it from the time before the massacre. But I didn’t know what it was back then.”

“It certainly wasn’t a habit I wanted to pass to you” he says quietly. “It’s easy to get addicted. Later it only destroys your lungs and empties your wallet.”

“Hn” Sasuke stretches his limbs and focuses on the passing clouds, inhaling the sweet smell of roses. “So why were you doing it?”

“When I was young there was a popular belief that smoking helps relax. And it really did, in a way, so most people smoked. With time it became a part of social life. Everybody knew it’s noxious, but it didn’t change anything.”

“Better than getting drunk, I guess.”

“It depends what you wanted from it. And there were more than just these two common options.”

“You took _drugs_? You were the head of the Police Force.”

“Not yet. We tried many different things. I’m surprised you didn’t.”

“Taking drugs is stupid.”

“Everything is for people. It’s up to you to use it wisely.”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you… Who are you and what did you do to my father?” he smirks and then realizes that this is exactly what he was thinking about for the last two days. “I really know nothing about you.”

“Let’s not exaggerate here. We did live under the same roof for eight years.”

“Yeah, but… we’ve never really talked or spent time together. You were always too busy.”

“I really wasn’t.”

Sasuke feels a pang in his chest at these words. He knows he should brace himself to hear more things that will hurt him.

“So… why” he is not sure if he wants to hear it, but at the same time he desperately needs it. So he waits.

“When your brother was born, I served as a jonin captain in the Third Shinobi War. Then Itachi turned one, I was called back to the village. They didn’t send me away for a year, but later they did. I had hardly any opportunity to see him and your mother for years. I was coming back every three, four months for a week and then I was being ordered to go back to the front. Later when the war ended, I wanted to make up for my constant absence. I spent a lot of time with your brother… And when you were born I couldn’t quite abandon the idea that Itachi had hardly seen me for the first five years of his life.”

Sasuke listens intently, unused to getting non-specific answers from his father. It is clear that this subject causes him uneasiness. So Sasuke tries not to interrupt him, fearing that he will lose this rare opportunity to hear his father’s honest thoughts.

“It went on like this. You were a toddler. I kept thinking that we will have plenty of time in the future. But before I knew it, you were already seven and almost starting the Academy” he stops for a moment and sighs deeply. “And I did not know how to approach you.”

“Just… asking about my day would be enough for a start.”

“…”

“So when you taught me the fireball… was it a try?”

“…not quite.”

“It wasn’t?”

“ It was two weeks before the massacre, Sasuke.”

“…oh.”

_So it was…_

“You must have been desperate” he mumbles. His voice comes out cold, cold enough to make his own blood freeze in his veins for a moment.

“Sasuke, look…” Fugaku wipes his face with his hand. “If I have known I would die early-“

“You would have done absolutely nothing” Sasuke finishes, slowly sitting up. “Save our time and don’t try to deny it. No point anyway.”

“Why are you saying something like that? Heavens, we had that conversation earlier…“

“…and back then we didn’t come to an agreement on some matters.”

“I did not choose Itachi over you, Sasuke. Period.”

“You’ve just told me the exact opposite” he sighs with irritation. “Something about being incoherent.”

“That is not what I meant-“

“That is what you told me!” Sasuke yells startling his father for a moment. “You said that you gave him more time than you gave me because you thought that was what you needed to do. What he _deserved_.”

“Does it make you feel better when you put yourself in a role of a victim?”

“ _Excuse me_?”

“Or do you _just_ need to hear over and over again that you two were equally important to me?”

“What I need is you seeing that your ‘ _equal treatment_ ’ of the two of us is bullshit. Because you _did not_ treat us equally. We were not _equally_ important to you. You didn’t love us _equally_.”

“Enough.”

Sasuke is sure that if chakra existed in this strange world they would both pierce each other with a glare of their sharingan eyes. So far he only has to deal with two black eyes that look at him with clear anger. They are impressive and dangerous in their own way.

“If it my words don’t get to you I can only hope that you will understand in time that you are wrong” Fugaku says sharply. “And now I suggest we drop this topic. It is not my intention to have another argument with you.”

“What _is_ your intention?” Sasuke raises an eyebrow. “Because to me, it seems that you want to show me just how wrong I am about everything.”

“I wish I could.”

“It’s a bit late to nurture me.”

“I am still your father.”

“I don’t need your opinion to formulate my own. Keep that in mind.”

“You need to understand the situation before you make a judgement.”

“Funny, hearing this from you.”

The glare he receives for an answer makes him still for a short moment. But he is not going to admit that he is vulnerable to it. He is not eight anymore.

“Make such a remark one more time and this conversation will be over.”

“Whatever. I’m leaving anyway” he stands up and jumps on the porch not offering his father a single glance.

“Don’t even think about making one more step.”

He stops against himself with his fist clenched on his side. A hand lands on his arm and he is tuned around to face his father.

“You’re acting like a _brat_ ” Fugaku pokes him with his finger. “Do you really believe that we will be able to talk when you’re getting moody every five minutes?”

Anger rises much too quickly for Sasuke’s liking. He considers pushing it back to his guts…

 _But for what_?

“ _Moody_?” he almost spits out. “I am getting _moody_? Stop treating me like a child! This conversation goes like this only because you don’t treat me seriously!”

“You _are_ a child.”

“No, not ever since I’ve found your warm, bleeding corpse on the floor! You think you have the right to tell me what I can or can’t do. You DON’T. As long as you try to patronize me, our conversations WILL look like this.”

“You want me to treat you as my equal? I will not. You are my son, you’re hardly seventeen and we are not on even grounds here” Fugaku utters through clenched teeth.

“It’s nothing more but an excuse to state the rules of our conversation. You want to push your viewpoint because it’s _convenient_ to you when I play along. You can’t accept that you don’t control what is happening here. And we _are_ equal” he adds louder. “If you wish to continue talking to me, you will respect that I have my own opinion about things.”

“Your opinion is _wrong_ because you don’t take all the facts into account when you make a judgement!”

“What makes you think that _you_ do? Because to me, you clearly _don’t_. I’ve come here today after hours of thinking about what is happening in this place, I’m trying to understand you but you know what, I’m starting to wonder _just_ _why should I_ when you don’t break a sweat to understand _me_?!”

His father does not open his mouth to give any answer apart from piercing him with a furious glare. Sasuke makes a step back feeling how anger overcomes him. His self-control is ultimately slipping away.

“When you said that some of your regrets concerned me, I thought that maybe it finally occurred to you that all my life I felt not good enough to be called an Uchiha because my own father never really acknowledged any of my efforts to prove myself worthy of this name. My whole life was an endless attempt to meet your impossible expectations to be a shinobi of Itachi’s level. There was nobody to tell me it was _impossible_. So if you don’t regret leaving my self-esteem in pieces when you died, if you don’t regret that I hardly have any good memories of you because we never spent time together and you have the guts to tell me that you considered my elder brother to be more worthy of your attention, AND if you don’t CARE that my life was shit because you happily died when I was eight, then I have absolutely NO IDEA what your regrets are, but I can freely say that they have nothing to do with me!”

Is it possible to cry in this strange universe…? Because Sasuke can clearly feel a tear running down his cheek when he punches the doorframe with his lone fist. His father’s eyes are unreadable and focused on his son who is breathing heavily in front of him.

An ugly ceiling of an inn looms from behind his tears. He sits up and throws the first thing he catches to the wall, letting out a frustrated cry. He falls back to the bed and covers his eyes with his hand. He pulls the blanket over his head.

Enough. He cannot take anything more.

* * *

The next night, he drags one leg after another to the porch. Curled up at the edge he hides his head in his arms, listening to the silence.

A lot of time passes until he hears the sound of steps for the first time. They are near. The wooden floor of the porch cracks when Sasuke registers an arm rubbing against his shoulder. It’s warm, as strange as it may be.

He does not look up at him. He cannot bring himself to.

“It is not out of malice that I am not telling you some things, Sasuke” he hears his father speaking softly on his left. “I just know that what I would tell you is not what you expect or want to hear from me.”

Sasuke does not respond in any way. He only looks up to the garden.

“I will not say that I know how you are like despite how much I would like to. But from what I can say about you now… You may not know it, but it takes a lot of effort to talk to you. I think about almost every word that leaves my mouth because I do not want to build walls between us. I have some things to tell you but our views on many… crucial things differ and _we both_ struggle with accepting this.”

“So what if it’s not what I want to hear it. Why would you care. And how do you even want us to come to an agreement if you keep these _crucial things_ to yourself.”

“We are not discussing any business here. We have met after years apart. I hope to catch up rather than debate which one of us is more right.”

“What is _catching up_ to you?”

“I guess… I just want to know how you are these days.”

“It’s hard to _catch up_ when my every action is put under your judgement.”

“I can see it’s hard. That’s exactly why I restrain myself from telling you some things.”

“You don’t want to _hurt my feelings_?” Sasuke looks at him with utter distaste. “What do you think I am, some-“

“I do not want to give us more reason to fight” he interrupts.

“Because?”

“Because you are my son and I _don’t_ want to argue with you. Although it seems that it is not much of a problem to _you_.”

“Because unlike to you it’s not just _catching up_ to me. The moment you made me reveal that I deserted Konoha it became a battlefield of opinions. When you tell me all the time that I’m wrong about this, I’m wrong about that, I should think this or that, how do you want me not to challenge you?”

“I am not going to force you to change your opinion. I merely present you another one.”

“Which you think is right.”

“Which I think is more objective.”

“I don’t need you to be objective. There’s no such thing as an objective opinion about anything. No one is able to be ultimately objective. Especially not when they did not see something they judge with their own eyes."

“People judge everything and everybody. You cannot expect not to be judged after what you did.”

“You aren’t _people_ , you are my father. That’s the reason I fight back every time you claim I’m a stupid ungrateful brat. I wouldn’t bother if it was a nobody.”

“And that you fight back is the reason I keep some things to myself.”

“It’s problematic because I am trying to understand you. I can’t if you refuse to reveal what you think. And I would like you to finally acknowledge that I’m seventeen and you don’t need to _protect my feelings_ from being hurt” he sends him a scowl, sitting cross-legged.

“Sasuke, I am not doing this because I consider you _weak_.”

“And what is so hurtful that you can’t bring yourself to tell me?”

“Leave this sarcasm out of this conversation” Fugaku sighs with irritation.

“Tell me.”

“I _won’t_.”

“Why not?”

“Because you make a challenge out of everything where there is _none_. And because I don’t want to fight with you.”

“Is it impossible to you to understand that _I want_ to know what you think and I don’t care whether it hurts me or not?” he presses. He can clearly see his father having a battle with himself.

“…not any more impossible to me than to you understanding that I don’t want you to be hurting because of something I say.”

“You _hurt my feelings_ many times by now anyway, so why bother?”

“Sasuke I swear, one sarcastic comment more-”

“ _Tell me_.”

“…”

“What do you regret the most?”

“ _Regret_?”

"I've thought I know. But I don't. So tell me."

"..."

“I am _waiting_.”

“…”

“…”

“…are you sure you want to hear this?” his father asks after moments of hesitation.

“Yes, I am.”

“I am not.”

“Noted.”

“…I regret that preserving peace in Konoha asked for your brother being the executioner. That when there was still time to save him, I didn’t manage to find a way to spare him. I am not proud of myself as a clanleader, I _did_ let my people die. But what I regret the most is that I _used_ your brother to fulfill my dying wishes about our clan being remembered as a honorable one. I didn’t protect Itachi when I should have. When I could. His life was wasted because I was too incompetent to deal with my own problem, which was my clan plotting against the Hokage. I died knowing that I leave him to live a hopeless life of someone who blames himself for the failures and wrongdoings that he incorrectly considered his own. Not to mention that I did not make his life easy when he was little, either.”

Sasuke looks at him unable to utter a single word. He only blinks under an uncertain glance of his father’s black eyes.

“That was what I meant when I told you that you look at the massacre from the wrong perspective. The main problem was not that it _happened_. It was _how_ it happened. I sacrificed Itachi to reach my goals. It does not matter whether they were noble or not.”

“…”

“I did not want you to hear this because… I can clearly see that you despise your brother. And with you stubbornly thinking that he was more important to me than you were, I wished to avoid another confrontation.”

“No, that’s not what you tried to avoid.”

“It-“

“It isn’t” he looks back at the roses, clenching his teeth. “You were more worried about what it implies.”

Silence takes over them for a couple of uncomfortable minutes. His father leans against a wooden pillar with an unreadable expression on his face when he on the other hand tries to take control over his racing emotions.

What he has just heard hurt. But not as much as the meaning hidden behind his father’s words.

Still… hearing it was worth it even despite the pain it brought.

_Right?_

“You can’t forgive me that I destroyed it all” he almost whispers not sure how much longer he can keep his voice steady. “You manipulated Itachi and made him think that he had to fight for the old ideals. You deprived him of any happiness he could still experience in his life in the future for the sake of honor of the Uchiha clan. You went against something you considered right and wasted Itachi on that. And for nothing because I _destroyed_ your perfect plan. I betrayed the village and wasted the effort of the both of you. I made it more difficult to Itachi than it already was. Here, the mystery explained. End of the discussion” he pulls his legs back to his chest and bites his tongue hard.

It takes his father a long moment before he finally decides to open his mouth.

“As I said another time… I do not condemn you for what you did.”

“And who are you trying to fool right now?”

“Listen-“

“It’s a matter of definition what _condemn_ means. You don’t _renounce_ me as your son. I think it’s a bit more accurate. As well as I know that you’re pissed with me. You left this world assured that you know what was going to happen. But no, it did not. And that’s because your other son messed your set up plan up and he’s not even sorry. He claims that he was the victim when to you he clearly wasn’t. Itachi was the victim. If I was anybody else I would probably experience eternal tortures in your tsukuyoumi by now after I made him suffer even more than he already had to because of your decisions. So don’t try to convince me that you don’t condemn me, because you do.”

 _Mystery explained_.

So… this is it. Now he knows what his father thinks of him. He finally understands what was happening here during all their meetings.

And he wishes he knew sooner. Maybe then he would not feel as a complete fool. He thought he analyzed everything meticulously, but no. He overlooked the crucial parts of their earlier encounters. He did not pay much attention to his father’s words about wasting Itachi’s efforts earlier. They got lost in an ocean of another ones that seemed much more important. Ones that... concerned him. If even a little.

 _Idiot_.

That or… he is wrong again. He wishes he is.

“Sasuke…” his father says, a tone of an ultimate patience in his voice. “Do not say that you know what I think because you cannot know _how exactly_ I feel about this whole mess.”

“Then enlighten me so I don’t have to make assumptions.”

They look at each other, Sasuke with anticipation and Fugaku uneasy under his son’s expectant glance. He runs his fingers though his hair and looks elsewhere, swallowing.

“Fine. I am angry with you much more than I would like to admit… or than I would like to be. You did waste the sacrifices your brother made. And if you were anybody else, my patience would run out long ago and you _would…_ pay for this.”

“…but?”

“…”

“…?”

“I don’t think there are any buts here.”

 _Oh_. There aren’t.

_There aren’t._

“Though I wish there were some.”

“…”

“Sasuke?”

“Fine, you were right.”

“What about?”

“It hurts like fucking _shit_ ” he stands up and walks slowly around the garden, trying to calm down. He is not going to burst into tears in front of his father.

He stops at the edge of the pond where colorful fish used to swim in their real house. The only thing he can see now is his reflection dancing on the surface.

“Why do you talk to me at all then?” he asks before he can consider the words that leave his mouth.

“Because you are my son.”

“So what.”

“A lot. And because as unclear as it may still seem to you, I do realize that Itachi’s lie played a role in this mess.”

“But it’s still more my fault than his. You don’t blame him.”

“…no, I don’t.”

” _Why_?”

”Because he had to somehow set you on the right path.”

“What is the right path?”

“He had to help you understand that you should preserve the honor of the Uchiha clan.”

“He set me on the path of _revenge_ , _treason_ and _fratricide_. I never would have chosen such a shitty path on my own.”

“I am not sure if you wouldn’t have. These were your own choices.”

“He _literally_ told me to _kill him_!”

“He did not force you to do this.”

He can see his jaw trembling for a short moment. Or maybe it is just a weak breeze against the surface.

_He DIDN’T FORCE HIM?_

“You don’t have the slightest idea what you are saying” he says through clenched teeth. “How can you even- You- _Fuck_ , it’s hopeless, why do I even still try!” he crouches on the grass and pulls his hair with his lone hand. He tries to take deep breaths to calm his nerves…

_But it’s so damn HARD._

“How _dare you_ tell me that it was my choice. That he didn’t _force me_ to do anything. How _DARE_ you-“

“Sasuke, enough. I told you I didn’t want to tell you these things because you will _suffer_. We’ve already had a part of this conversation before. Let’s leave it here and not go any further, there is no point in drowning in it any longer.”

“Fuck, there is a _further_ …”

“Stop.”

“How, just _how_ can you be so inconsequent?! How can you not see that Itachi is here to blame too?!”

“Sasuke, end of the subject-“

“You will not _fucking_ tell me when I can or cannot end the subject!” he stands up abruptly and stops only inches from his father. “I will keep it _just_ as long as I like and I will drag you into it _JUST AS LONG AS I LIKE_ because you are _WRONG_ and _UNFAIR_ and _ILLOGICAL_ and you still dare to _DENY IT_ when it couldn’t be more obvious!”

Fugaku looks at him with his mouth slightly open in unspoken shock when Sasuke holds the fabric of his robe in his fist and pierces him with a dreadful glare.

“Sasuke…” he says quietly, taking his cloth out of his fist. “Enough. Calm down. It’s going too far.”

“Oh, so you really want to stop this _now_?”

“Yes, I do.”

“So be it. But don’t you _ever_ ” he pokes him on the chest “ try to say that you didn’t choose him over me. Not ever again.”

“Sasu—“

“Don’t you _DARE_.”

His father watches him warily for a couple of seconds before he looks away and sighs deeply. He takes one step back as if to increase the distance between them.

“I’m leaving” Sasuke spats out, searching for a nerve on his neck. “I hope this is the last time we see each other. I fail to see any unfinished business between us anymore.”

He presses and a second later he jumps out of bed. He bursts into a small bathroom and turns on the water. His hot skin pinches from the contact with the cold liquid when he raises his eyes and meets his reflection in the mirror.

Two eyes, one purple and another black-red glance at him with fury that makes him freeze.

Here he stands. An excuse of a man. A traitor. A fratricide. A loser.

Is that who he is? Is there really nothing left from a _human_ he once were? That even his own father can write him off to save his firstborn’s name?

The mirror shatters from the impact with his lone fist and falls to the stone floor in pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried not to repeat too many subjects, but Sasuke and Fugaku NEED to come to an understanding about these two things: Fugaku taking Itachi's side and him understanding and accepting that sure, Sasuke is to blame, but Itachi is as well. Of course Sasuke being very sensitive isn't helping at all. But they need to talk. And hear what the other side really think.
> 
> ...or am I lost in my own story?
> 
> I guess both. 
> 
> Yeah, Sasuke acts like an immature, hasty brat. But really, he at least tries to consider another viewpoint.
> 
> I trully think that the key to understanding another person is to know what they think. But unless they don't tell us what they think, how are we supposed to know? I strongly support proper communication!


	6. Father's care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... It took me a month.
> 
> (Sorry)
> 
> I hope that you will be at least a bit more happy when I tell you this is one of the longest chapters so far.
> 
> I hope Sasuke is not too much out of character. But it's your job to judge;)

* * *

It almost feels as if his subconscious hears his unspoken wish to avoid visits in the strange world of dreams. It takes two weeks for Sasuke to wake up at the kitchen table.

He only blinks and leans his back against the wall with a mental sigh.

 _Why_. Why does any surreal force keep throwing him into this inexistent world, into an inexistent reflection of his family house, his _home_ where resides a lost soul of one of his parents? _What for_?

The theory that his father suggested crosses his mind, but he dismisses it almost instantly. He will not let some ridiculous ideas get into his head.

It would be enough to hit the back of his head against the wall behind him. The strange world would fade away and he would wake up in the old forest, exactly where he fell asleep just a moment ago.

The previous two weeks were a nightmare. He felt half-dead, constantly trying not to think about the last encounter with his father, failing miserably each time. When he got too tired of the nagging of his mind, he gave in and attempted to analyze their last conversation. To analyze Uchiha Fugaku’s beliefs, his words, his behavior. Only to understand over and over again that it is impossible to get rid of the emotions that come back to him and cloud his vision. On one hand he hates them, but on the other he wants nothing more than drown into the swamp of hurt and despair and let them carry him away.

How immature of him. He certainly would take his time to hate this weakness of his if he was not so frustrated.

He can hear the wooden floor of the porch cracking under the weight of heavy steps. His father must be walking back and forth, maybe, _probably_ thinking about his son’s oh-so-mature recent outburst. He closes his eyes feeling how embarrassment takes over him for a moment. He made a fool out of himself. Just like the old times…

Not that old, really, but the line he drew between his past and his presence should have been defined enough to prevent such situation.

He stretches his legs with an audible sigh this time and bites his lower lip. He does not like to act cowardly, but he knows that he is not ready for another conversation. Not when he is going to be judged and treated like someone _inferior_. Someone who is not intelligent enough to understand the _reality_.

Should he even still resist? And what if…

What if his father is right? What if Sasuke really should not have the right to accuse Itachi of anything? Everything Itachi did, he did for the sake of peace. For the sake of hundreds, thousands of people to let them _live_. What is Sasuke’s right to demand understanding of his individual tragedy? When Itachi wasted his own life and suffered even more than his little brother? When he managed to save life and sanity of thousands? What is one wasted life more…?

He shivers slightly when he registers a sudden weight on his left shoulder. He instantly turns his head and meets his father’s eyes. They look at him wearily, but with concern.

Sasuke forces himself to look away and glues his eyes to the stove. He suddenly feels even more stupid than for the past weeks. When _those two eyes penetrates the deepest parts of his soul_.

His father reaches for a sitting pillow and sits down, facing him. They are close to each other, around half a meter apart and Sasuke has no idea if it offers more comfort or more anxiety.

“If you don’t feel like talking, we can leave it for another time” his father’s voice is quiet and strangely reassuring. Sasuke scans the man’s casual position with a corner of his eye: with his legs pulled to his chest and his elbows resting on his knees, he looks like a regular human being. Gone are his authority, his social status, his intimidating aura. It should give him more comfort. But it does not.

He swallows slowly and pulls his legs back to his chest, sticking his eyes to his knees. He is probably unconsciously trying to separate himself as much as he can… Or something like that. His brows furrow on their own at the thought but he forgets them when his father’s hand squeezes his bent knee.

“Sasuke?”

He watches the rough, darkened skin of his father’s hand warily. Who is he to question a reasoning of an experience man who survived the worst Shinobi War and came out of it as a hero?

“When you…” he starts slowly.” When you were forced to marry mom… What were you thinking?”

“When I married your mother?” his father seems taken aback.

“…yeah.”

“I have always known that one day a bride will be chosen for me and I accepted it.”

“But did you want it?”

“Did I wanted what?”

“To… marry her.”

Sasuke is sure that the tender skin on his lip is going to be cut soon if he does not try to fight his new habit of biting it.

“Sasuke, do you think I did not love your mother?”

“No, that’s not… No. I know you did… well, I _suppose_ you loved each other. Or… liked. Tolerated… each… other. I mean… No, I didn’t mean it like that” he wipes his face with his lone hand and sighs a bit frustrated with himself.

“Well… just so you don’t need to _suppose_ anything, know that I loved your mother. Not because of any obligation. And my feelings were reciprocated.”

“Yeah…”

“What did you mean, then?”

“Did you want to have a family? It wasn’t you decision, you had to get married and… so on. Have kids. Heirs. As a clanleader.”

“Yes, I did want to have a family. And children on my own. Why do you ask?”

“…just wondered what our family was to you. Because I don’t… really _remember_ you being too happy around us. Though I guess I remember the last year the best, so… yeah.”

The hand on his knee suddenly seems even heavier. Sasuke swallows discreetly and finally brings himself to look at the man openly. What he sees makes him even more uncertain. There is a deep contemplation in his father’s eyes, along with a spark of _offence_ and _guilt_.

“You think I did not enjoy our family life?” he asks with a voice strangely devoid of emotion.

“I think I don’t remember you giving any signs that you did.”

“What do you remember?”

“I remember… you spending a lot of time in your study and appearing only during meals… Or when you were coming back home late in the evening and not even trying to talk to us apart from greeting. Or… “he hesitates for a moment. “Or when you were telling me not to hug you when you were coming back home. Or when you were sending me to bed early because you needed silence to rest or you needed to talk to mom or to Itachi or Shisui in your study… Or when we were playing in the garden doing stupid things and having fun and you were coming out irritated, telling us to act like civilized children. Or when you refused to celebrate birthdays with us. It just…” he tries to find accurate words. “It didn’t look like you were… _happy_ that we were constantly around. You wanted mostly silence when you were home. Mother always said that you were just tired and you had a lot of work. And she was probably right… to some extent. But I’ve never really believed her.”

His voice cracks a bit at the end and he hopes his father does not notice. But he knows it is not something he would miss.

“Right” his father lets out quietly, his eyes never leaving Sasuke’s own. “Before I start something that will lead us to nowhere, tell me how it is related to our earlier argument. I fail to see the connection, but so far I noticed that what you say always has the second meaning. And is related to what was said by us during our earlier encounters.”

“I’ve thought that your biggest regret was that by agreeing on the massacre you destroyed our chances to be a happy family. That you were always so busy and focused on your duties as the clanleader that you… neglected us.”

“You think I neglected our family?”

“I…”

“Or maybe just you?”

Sasuke’s mind is suddenly blank. He blinks and looks away, feeling a wave of embarrassment overwhelming him from the inside.

Is he really so blind, so _arrogant_ that he takes every mistake anybody makes personally? He runs his hand through his hair, registering his lower lips giving in to his teeth. The metallic taste of blood fills his mouth… Will his lip still be cut in the real world?

“Sasuke?”

“Your turn” he says quietly. “I don’t know what to add anymore.”

“I would rather we finished this topic once for good…”

“I would rather we didn’t right now.”

“You started it, although indirectly.”

“I shouldn’t have.”

“I think you should have. You had a reason to, whatever it was.”

“I said what I wanted about our family life. I told you how my theories about you failed earlier. That’s all. We have plenty of other things to talk about, so we should jump to the next one.”

“It leads to the tender subject of you feeling inferior to your brother-“

“I don’t want to talk about it” before Fugaku can say something, he adds: “Please, respect that.”

His father keeps quiet for some moments before he squeezes his knee.

“Sasuke, look… Last time we spoke, there was too much about Itachi for me to ignore-“

“You really could try to be decent enough to respect my directly expressed request, you know.”

“This is something that needs to be discussed.”

“That you are ready for this doesn’t mean I am” he looks at him and he does not even try to hide the pleading tone of his voice. “Please, _don’t_ _push it_.”

“What do we have left, then?”

That is a good question. A _very_ good question. How to talk about irrelevant things when you keep in mind huge, unsolved problems?

“I guess I could wake up and come back another time” he offers uncertainly.

“If… that’s what you need.”

“But that’s not what you want me to do.”

“I will leave this decision to you. If you leaving right now is going to save us from another argument, then I am more than willing to-“

“Fine, stop, we can talk about it now. Happy?” he asks irritated. He meets his father’s contemplating eyes but cannot bear them for too long. He clenches his teeth, looking away. Fugaku lets out a quiet sigh, finally taking his hand from Sasuke’s knee.

“Take your time” he says, slowly standing up.

Sasuke does not _dare_ to look at him again. He only feels his father’s fingers running through his already messy hair.

A wave of memories floods him instantly. Long forgotten memories of those fingers tenderly ruffling his hair or stroking his cheek furtively, before he could notice his father’s presence. Moments when he would turn around to look at him – and see him already walking away with his back towards him.

It is enough to make him wake up.

* * *

When the kitchen appear the next night, he is not any more ready than the day before. Still, it would be… wrong to just leave. He is not some scared kid. He will not _run away_ from his problems.

…of course that is exactly what he was doing for the last day ( _weeks_ ), but let us not dwell into it for now. He is Uchiha Sasuke and he will not let his (stupid) emotions control him.

His resolve stays strong for ten seconds. Twelve at most.

With a deep sigh, he stands up and starts to look for his father. There is no one in the garden and all the screens are closed. He moves back to the corridor and takes slow steps towards their bedrooms. He looks distractedly into Itachi’s room through the open door, but there is no one inside. He checks his own room next. Then, he sends an uncertain look to the master bedroom door and approaches it hesitantly. It is almost closed, so he pushes it delicately to take a look inside.

His father is lying on his side of the bed, reading… a book. It probably is a book, though Sasuke cannot be sure as the thing is invisible to him.

“You’re back” Fugaku sates more than asks.

“Yeah” Sasuke leans against the doorframe, taking a look on the room. “What are you reading?”

“As far as I can tell… this was your math notebook. Or it was _supposed_ to be your math notebook. There are mostly drawings inside” he audibly turns next pages, eyeing each one attentively. “I wonder how you could learn from something like this. There is hardly any quality content written down.”

“I didn’t learn from it” Sasuke murmurs, wondering if he should feel offended or embarrassed.

“Where did you learn from, then? I don’t remember your marks being low.”

“I just… listened to the teacher during class.”

“And you didn’t do any exercises?”

“I did. They’re written down on these pages.”

“Three exercises per subject at most. And most of them incomplete, surrounded with shurikens and blades.”

“It was math, not history. I didn’t need to write _everything_ down. I remembered the things I needed anyway.”

He is graced with his father’s watchful stare.

“I saw your history notebook as well.”

“…”

“I wonder how you managed to have such good marks when you hardly wrote anything down.”

“I had… good memory.”

“And good eyesight that helped you pass the tests, apparently.”

“…what?”

“Come on, Sasuke. It’s past your school days anyway.”

“You think I _cheated_ on tests?” he asks in ultimate disbelief. “What do you take me for?! How can you even…” he does not notice when he enters the room and stands above the now sitting man.

“Sasuke, it is only a fair assumption-“

“A _wrong_ one” he almost growls. “How can you even say something like this? My notebooks aren’t full of useless notes and you instantly assume that I cheated to get good marks?” he stares at him, not caring if he acts ridiculously. “I wasn’t some idiot to look for recognition and praise by cheating. I earned every single one I got at school. It may have been easier to me than to some other kids in my class, I was lucky. I didn’t need to spend hours over books to learn even more complicated things. But I did put effort into it. And I didn’t cheat _once_ in my life” he finishes with a rigid tone. “Is that what you’ve thought back then? That I _cheated_?”

“I wondered how you managed to get such good marks.”

“So it didn’t occur to you that maybe I was _intelligent enough_ to earn them? And I don’t recall you thinking that my marks were good.”

“We did have one conversation about your marks when you started the Academy, not long before the massacre.”

“Yeah. You told me that if I kept up like that maybe one day I would be as good as Itachi.”

His father does not answer his words. He puts the invisible notebooks on the bedside table and sighs heavily, running his fingers through his hair. Sasuke steps back and takes a couple of steps in the room.

Great. He has been here for three minutes and he already throws accusations. Ho mature of him.

“Sorry” he mumbles, surprising himself. “It was uncalled for.”

“It’s fine” he is even more surprised hearing the answer. He looks over his shoulder to see his father visibly bothered by some thoughts, sitting stiffly on the mattress.

He slowly approaches the bed on his mother’s side and lies down, breathing out slowly. He feels like he should say something more, but does not really know what should be said at the moment. Suddenly, the covers shift and his father’s arm brush against his own.

“And… I agree that it wasn’t fair of me to assume you cheated” at this, Sasuke’s eyes open slightly wider than usually. Was that…

“Are you trying to apologize?” he asks carefully.

“…I guess.”

Well… _Wow_.

“I… appreciate it” he says quietly.

Silence falls over them for some minutes but strangely, it is not uncomfortable. His father’s arm touching his own is not uncomfortable, either.

It feels… good. It feels _right_.

“It wasn’t uncalled for.”

He turns his head to look at his father openly, his mouth slightly open.

“When you started the Academy, I assumed your marks would be lower than your brother’s. When you proved me wrong, I started to look for an explanation. I wanted to observe how you gain them. But it all ended before I could make any reasonable judgment.”

“My marks weren’t lower than Itachi’s?”

“No.”

“…you didn’t like that” he concludes, trying not to show that the idea hurts his feelings.

“…no, I didn’t” he admits reluctantly. “But not because I didn’t want you to be as good.”

“So _why_?”

“I… _hoped_ you wouldn’t be this good.”

“You denied it just a moment ago.”

“No, it is not what I mean… Heavens” he murmurs under his breath. “I did not want you to be as good as Itachi. But not because I wanted you to be… _inferior_ to your brother. I just hoped you would have a peaceful life. Being a genius is exhausting. The pressure comes from everywhere, the expectations keep getting higher and higher. I hoped for a better life for you, Sasuke. Better than the one your brother had” he finishes slowly, visibly hesitating for a moment. “Though now, after what I’ve heard from you… I guess you craved more for acknowledgement than for sense of security.”

“…”

“You think that I loved you less than I loved your brother. I said it before, it may seem to you that I loved Itachi more because I spent time with him, I trained him, I talked to him often…”

“Why.”

Fugaku does not answer right away. He puts his right arm under his head with his look glued stubbornly to the ceiling.

“I have thought that he needed me more than you did. He was older. And he struggled with his shinobi career. Not to mention that I was preparing him to become the next Uchiha leader. I taught him many things and it was mostly because of your brother’s interest in politics, history and philosophy that it was a father-son bonding time more than a boring lesson” he stays silent for a second before asking again. “Were you jealous of your brother?”

“It never occurred to you?” Sasuke asks not bothering to open his eyes.

“No, it did not. I have always thought that you admire Itachi and consider him your role model.”

“I did” he admits after a moment. “But at the same time I envied him. Everything he did was always good enough to get a word of approval from you and mother. He was a genius, everybody knew that. When I started school, the teachers called me _Uchiha Itachi’s brother_. When I talked to our relatives, they praised Itachi and told me to work hard so one day I can be as good as he was. It was annoying. I did want to surpass Itachi one day, but… it didn’t seem possible. I didn’t really believe I could catch up to him. Not when nobody really believed I could. And besides…” he thinks carefully of his next words.” I slowly stopped to believe that anybody would care anyway. Since what I considered to be my achievements at the time went mostly unnoticed.”

“What went unnoticed?”

“The effort I put into training even before I started the Academy. My school marks. Me being the top of my class. The fireball…” he closes his mouth deciding against saying anything more.

“I remember your mother being very content about your school achievements.”

“Do you?”

“Didn’t she tell you?”

“…she mostly asked how my day was after school. If I mentioned good grades, she would offer something like ‘that’s good’” he pauses for a moment. “It’s not that I wanted a party with presents for my results. I guess she just didn’t want me to stop trying after getting one good mark. But I could get from her _that’s good, Sasuke_ at most.”

“It’s more than many people get, Sasuke.”

“It was much less that she could offer. Much less than I’ve ever seen her offering Itachi. I remember her praising him much more than that when he mastered his hundred twentieth jutsu.”

“…I think she didn’t know you needed more than that.”

“Probably” he mumbles, biting his healing lip. An unwanted mix of resentment and frustration creeps to him and he is not sure if he wants to push it away. “You can say out loud that I’m acting like an ungrateful brat.”

“Actually, that is not what I am going over in my head right now.”

“What are you thinking about?” Sasuke asks quietly. He can see his father’s furrowed brows.

“I will tell you when I am able to put it into words.”

He does not say anything, letting the silence fall once again. He feels… bad. Uncovered. _Stupid_.

He suddenly wish to take back his words about the lack of recognition. _Why_ did he share one of his deepest regret with his father? What will he think of him, some teenager who complains about lack of a better praise? People do not have families, they live in pathology and he is _hurt_ by lack of more expressive praises.

He sits up, his throat clenched with embarrassment.

“Sasuke?” a hand touches his back and he flinches, leaning away. But his father does not give up. He raises himself up from the mattress to sit next to him.

“It was stupid” Sasuke murmurs. “Forget what I said. It’s ridiculous.”

“Why did you say it then?”

 _Because it’s the truth_ he thinks but would never say it aloud.

“I didn’t stop myself when I should have.”

“So what you said is true?”

 _Yes_.

“I just wished I could make you two proud… and happy. But I couldn’t, even though I tried. Hard” he clenches the covers in his fist, watching his knuckles turning even paler than they already were. “It was never enough.”

“There was something about you that always bothered me” he hears his father’s calm voice. “When you turned seven, you changed. I hardly ever saw you smiling or playing. You became quiet. You didn’t talk much when we sat together… and if you spoke, there was something uncertain about it. As if you were… _scared_. Of saying something wrong.”

“Why did it bother you that I stopped acting like a little kid?”

“Because you were a little kid and little kids aren’t supposed to act quiet or to refuse to play.”

“You were never happy when I was loud or wasted my time on irrelevant things. So… I stopped.”

“I missed that” he admits.

“So why were you telling me to stop?”

He turns his head to look at his father wearily. The man’s face seems more tired than he can remember from earlier.

“I guess I did not know that I should value it until it stopped.”

“You don’t seem to be a kind of person who doesn’t think ahead.”

“No, I do not. Or at least that is what I have always thought” he furrows his brows. “It’s about control.”

“Control?”

“If you put an effort into planning ahead, chances are that fewer things will surprise you. It’s instinctive.”

“It is?”

“Isn’t it?”

They watch each other for long seconds before his father tilts his head to the side.

“Are you not like this, Sasuke? Don’t you need to plan things ahead to avoid unnecessary problems in the future?”

“I suppose…” he hesitates. „But… It’s impossible to plan far ahead in the future. You can never predict everything.”

"You can try.”

„Pointless. There will always be surprises on your way. Other people can think too. If they want to disturb your plan, they will manage.”

“All you need to do is predict how they may disturb your plan.”

“You can’t predict everything. Sometimes you just need to go with the flow and take a risk. More often than not, it happens when you don’t have much of a choice anyway.”

“It hardly ever happens if you plan diligently.”

“So you probably weren’t diligent enough in your planning when you assumed I will stay childish despite your comments” he tries to keep his emotion away from his voice. “That is, if you thought that managing a relationship with your son needed planning at all.”

“Is this an accusation?” his father asks warily, his eyes never leaving Sasuke’s face.

“I guess…” Sasuke mumbles uncertain.

“I cannot admit that I didn’t give us any thought. In fact, that time when you turned seven, the subject of our relationship bothered me very often.”

“What conclusion did you come to?”

He watches him falling silent. They are walking on thin ice again. Sasuke is not sure when exactly it started, but the air in the room feels heavier with each passing second.

“Did you… come to any conclusion at all?”

“I waited.”

“…what for?”

“I have thought that maybe one day you will... give up the act and be yourself once again. And even if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. That’s what I have thought.”

Sasuke’s teeth clench at the answer. He looks away, feeling how anger rises within him once again. He should not let it control him.

“You were running away from the problem” he stated quietly.

“Perhaps. But…”

“But you didn’t know that. There were always more pressing matters around. You’ve thought we have time. Didn’t you.”

“Sasuke…”

“So when it occurred to you that we _do not_ have any more time, what were your thoughts?”

“…”

“You just ignored the subject.”

“No, I did not.”

“Oh right, you taught me the fireball jutsu.”

“You went without sarcasm for a long time now, so I would appreciate if you tried for a bit longer. I understand that you are getting irritated, but try to keep yourself in check. Another argument will be of no use.”

He stares at his father for a few seconds before sighing and pushing his anger back inside. It is difficult not to agree. He does not really want to argue either.

“As hard as it may be for you to realize, I did in fact try to spend more time with you and your mother. I was home more often. I am aware that I did not give you enough of my time, Sasuke. I am not denying it. But I could not make up for the lack of our time when I had less than three weeks left. I could only do this much.”

Sasuke sits with his chin resting on his bent knees, his eyes almost closed. There is no need for his father to lie. The man understands what their conversations are about and currently, he is more willing to solve their conflicts than him.

“You wanted me to remember you as a good father who cared for me?”

“I wanted nothing more than for you not to ever doubt that I accepted you as my son. I had no doubts that it was impossible to change what you thought of me in three weeks. It would not be fair, anyway. You remembered me to be a father that I truly was. It would be selfish of me if I tried to change your impression of me when I earned it with my previous actions.”

There is a somber note in his father’s voice that makes him observe the man once more. Uchiha Fugaku is looking at him with peaceful contemplation, waiting for an answer to his words. Sasuke does not offer him any. He cannot think of anything accurate.

“Judging by the course of our conversation, I would say that I overestimated the impact my last weeks would make on you. Did I not?”

“What were you thinking when you were dying?” Sasuke asks silently.

“You need to be more precise.”

He does not want to be more precise. He wants his father to read between the lines. So his anger does not get the chance to overwhelm him again.

“You had three weeks, fine. You tried, I can admit that I remember. What now?”

“…I don’t understand.”

_And that’s the problem, tou-san. You don’t understand._

”Voice your thoughts, Sasuke. I cannot answer them if I do not hear them.”

”Voice” Sasuke repeats, lying down on the mattress. He looks for proper words to express his thoughts. It is not easy. Not when he tries to avoid throwing accusations. “I will say that again. What now? When I remember you as a father who acknowledges me. You die. What _now_?”

“I am not… sure if I know what you mean.”

“You created a plan. You found a way to stop the civil war and make Konoha citizens view the Uchiha clan as honorable at the same time. You sacrificed Itachi. You knew his life would be a shit from then on. He understood that as well.”

“Sasuke, say it directly.”

"Your plan didn’t predict my input. That’s why it failed. It never occurred to you that I may destroy it. That’s where you miscalculated.”

Irritation runs over his father’s face but is quickly hidden.

“We have talked about it. I would have never imagined that… you could do what you did” he says slowly.

“And what did you think I would do?”

Silence. Sasuke waits. He waits for even two, three words of explanation. He almost craves for them to come.

“Answer me.”

It is a strange feeling that fills his chest when Uchiha Fugaku looks away. Disappointment does not describe what Sasuke is going through. It is something stronger. Regret.

“ _Take care of your brother_ you told Itachi. You knew he wouldn’t kill me” he sits up, closing the distance between them. “Itachi was supposed to live a difficult life. He would go through hardships and suffer consequences of someone else’s actions. But I? How was I supposed to live? What was the plan?”

He stands up from the bed and approaches the door. Enough. He does not want to argue, but he will if he stays in this room for a minute longer.

“You’ve never really thought about what would happen to me after you’re all dead, did you?” he waits. He looks over his shoulder to see his father in the same position that he left him. “Itachi was enough to worry about. You cared, I will… never again dare say that you didn’t care for me. But you only had this much strength left. When Itachi told you that he would take care of me, did you think about it at all?”

“And what was he supposed to do, Sasuke?” his father stands up abruptly and approaches him, not bothering to hide his irritation this time.

“It’s not about him right now, it’s about _you_. What were you thinking? That I will be a powerless child forever?”

“I certainly did not think that you would become an excuse of a Konoha shinobi!”

“I’m not asking about what you _weren't_ thinking. What _were_ you thinking?”

“Nothing” he says through clenched teeth. “Unfortunately.”

“Nice to see that we’re on even ground again, the both of us recognizing our own regrets. Maybe we can _talk_ next time we see each other. When I’m finally not so susceptible to your manipulation. Although it was nice to see you in a role of a caring parent who tends to his offspring with such delicacy.”

“What the _hell_ , Sasuke.”

“Stop trying to control me!”

“Are you out of your- Will you assume that I manipulate you and try to gain something every time I act like a father should?! We are not having any duel here. I want to _talk_ to you. We have a conflict that I hope to solve once and for good. Is this _manipulation_ to you?”

”It-”

”Believe me when I say that I am very well acquainted with manipulation techniques after I managed the clan, the Police Force and the Konoha Forces during the war. But if you think that I am _manipulating_ you when I try to be considerate of you _emotions_ that carries you away much too often, then we will not come to an agreement any soon.”

“You use it for your own benefit. You avoid subjects that are uncomfortable to _you_ , taking extra time to wander where it hurts _me_ the most. You know when I’m most vulnerable and you fool me into accepting your point of view and into revealing things-“

“Damn it, Sasuke, stop.”

“Don’t-“

“STOP!” he yells and Sasuke takes a step back, hitting his back against a wall. He swallows hard, watching his father – his opponent – with distrustful eyes.

“Don’t yell at me” he manages to say through clenched throat.

“I am not trying to make you agree with me, Sasuke. As much as it’s comfortable to me when I am in control, I acknowledge that people think differently and I do not push anybody to consider my opinion to be their own. Not even my own child. What I am waiting for is not your blind agreement that there is no mistake in my judgement, I want you to _understand_ me. A false consensus is utterly _useless_.”

“But it’s all an _act_ from your part!” Sasuke raises his voice. “You’re pissed with me for what I did after the massacre, so why trying to hide it?!”

“I am not hiding anything, you already know about it. What would you have me do? Yell at you? Hurt you? _Disown_ you?”

“It would only be logical if you’re angry with me.”

“It would lead us to _nowhere_. We would run here in the corridors one after another and yell curses all day long. Is that what you want?”

Sasuke does not respond. Because really, what can he say? He breathes out, biting his cut lip. It is happening again. He let his feelings rule over his mind.

 _Idiot_.

“Sasuke.”

He looks up slowly to meet his father’s black eyes. They are strangely… contemplating.

“I know you spent almost three years with Orochimaru, but at some point you need to learn how to trust people again” Sasuke’s eyes widen instantly. “Stop assuming that when someone is being _nice_ to you, they act like this for their own benefit. I was there once. Recover from this state when you still can.”

A soothing sound of wind dancing against leaves seems to carry his father’s words when he wakes up.

 _Trust_. He needs to _trust_ this man.

But it’s so _damn hard_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I kinda feel that I stretch it a bit too much. Another chapter that hardly let the action proceed... What do you think? Should I accelerate? Or would it be unnatural?
> 
> Fugaku slowly realizes that Sasuke has his own arguments that are worth of his consideration. He doesn't really admit it yet. Not directly. But he admits he didn't think much about what would happen to Sasuke after the massacre. Sasuke's outburst from the previous chapter made him think a bit deeper than before. But changing your beliefs is a slow process.
> 
> Sasuke on the other hand is trying to control himself. And it's HARD. Because to him, all they talk about is a mix of his unholy life and his complex, emotional trauma.
> 
> Thanks for reading:) take care!
> 
> P.S.: I have a nice but short one-shots about the Uchiha family on my account. If you're fans, check them out. I often write from Fugaku's perspective, so you will be able to see how I see him;)


	7. Does time heal wounds?

* * *

He almost cannons into his father when he leaves the kitchen two nights later. He blinks. They are only centimeters apart, but he is hesitant to take a step back.

“Sorry” he mumbles.

“You’re back” Fugaku states and makes a step back himself. Sasuke watches him warily.

“Yeah…”

“So? Where are we going to sit today?”

He can see a half-smile on his father’s face and he snorts quietly.

“I don’t really have preferences.”

“The porch, then.”

They sit down, watching the roses that slowly bloom in the corner of the garden, one after another. They dance with the unreal wind, shading the old walls.

“How does time go by here?” Sasuke asks, hypnotized by the moving shadows.

“It’s hard to tell. Night never comes. But I would say that there are only a few hours between your visits. Certainly not days.”

“I see” he mumbles. He waits for a moment to see if his father opens his mouth, but the man seems to be lost in his own thoughts. “So…”

“So?”

“Maybe you’d like to start today” he suggests slowly.

“If you want me to” his father murmurs. “In fact, last time we spoke, you said something that made me wonder. It did not occur to me until that moment.”

“What was it?”

“You were right when you said that I did not take you into account while planning the outcome of the massacre.”

“…”

“As much as I want to say that I didn’t forget about you while making plans… Well, I remembered about you. But it’s true that I did not think much about your future. To say that it seemed irrelevant back then would be a bit of a stretch. But it seemed… secondary. I thought that it was not something that needed to be planed diligently. It didn’t seem… potentially threatening.”

“You really gave it none of your thoughts?” he asks quietly.

“I knew you would be… _sad_. We were all going to end up dead, I knew you would miss us. But I honestly believed that Itachi would handle you better than me. So I left it to him” he leans his head against the wooden pillar in contemplation. “Somehow, everything that I could predict back then was that you were going to become an orphan who would miss his family. I honestly don’t know what I have thought. You were never a kind, peaceful child your brother was. It was ridiculous to expect that you would just accept all of it.”

Sasuke watches the man with a corner of his eye. A quick thought passes through his head. But it is not it. His father is not trying to manipulate him. He just…

“Are you… admitting that you miscalculated?”

“I guess.”

“…why.”

Fugaku’s brows furrows when he turns to look at him.

“Because… we are currently trying to understand each other. I am trying to listen to what you say and to how you see things. Our perspectives differ, so I analyze yours. Isn’t that what you wanted me to do?”

“Yeah, but… You didn’t seem interested” he says carefully. He can sense his father’s uncertainty.

“I did not really feel the need to, until I saw you losing control over yourself” Sasuke feels a wave of embarrassment at these words. “Earlier I have thought that you did not understand what the massacre was about. What Itachi’s actions were about. I was reluctant to reveal it to you… But when it happened and you still stuck to your opinion, I understood that I should at least give it some thoughts. It did not come out of nowhere, after all.”

Sasuke stares at him for ten long seconds before he dares open his mouth.

“But… it doesn’t mean that you consider my actions somehow justified.”

“…no. I am still… analyzing what you said about why you did what you did. I don’t consider it a safe subject for a discussion at the moment. That is, if we want to avoid confrontation.”

“I guess I would rather not argue.”

“But there is that one thing that keeps nagging me whenever we speak” he says. “And it’s about you and Itachi.”

“About me feeling inferior to him?”

“About you thinking that I chose him over you.”

Sasuke almost smirks and lets out a snort. _Here we go again…_

“Good luck.”

“Are you being sarcastic again?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Do you still believe that you treated us equally?”

“I did not treat you _the same_ , I admit that. But I still claim that I did not side with any of you.”

“All right. Give me examples.”

“ _Examples_?”

“Yes. You will show me situations – or your thoughts – that support your claim. Later, I will give you my own examples to illustrate that you, in fact, did choose Itachi over me. It seems fair enough.”

“…”

“Do you want to start?”

“You want us to throw accusations at each other? Is it about a number? Be serious, Sasuke.”

“No. I am just very sure that I know the outcome of this conversation. It will give us absolutely nothing.”

“If you’re already determined not to consider what I say then you are right, it’s pointless. But I want you to listen to what I want to say. So?”

Sasuke almost says no. Almost. But if he does, it will mean that he is the one who makes it impossible for them to come to an agreement.

“Fine, whatever.”

“Sasuke…” his father warns.

“Okay, I will listen. I promise” he murmurs, averting his eyes.

“Sasuke, _please_.”

“You know why it’s ridiculous to talk about it? That’s because you yourself gave many examples of unequal treatment of the two of us during our meetings. You admitted that it seemed more important to spend time with Itachi as he was to become the clan leader. In your eyes, I did not deserve this much attention. You said it was okay for Itachi to be a genius, but not for me. No” he points his finger at his father, who is already opening his mouth. “You may have hoped for a _better life_ for me or whatever, but that was not all, I _refuse_ to believe that you would be fine with me ever surpassing Itachi. Fortunately, you didn’t live long enough to see it.”

“If you surpassed you brother, I would be nothing less than proud of you.”

“Well, I did beat him. I beat Uchiha Madara, the Ten Tails and the ancient goddess. Without me, the shinobi world wouldn’t exist anymore. It’s more than Itachi could ever do. Are you proud of me?”

“I would be if you hadn’t proved yourself a traitor even after the war.”

“So my skills don’t matter. Itachi’s don’t, either?”

“Itachi was a honorable, loyal individual who cared deeply for peace and wanted nothing more than to create a better world. You do not want me to make this comparison.”

“Who was he loyal to? The Hokage? He spied on him for the clan. To the clan? He spied on them for the Hokage. To the Akatsuki? He spied on them for Konoha. Honorable? He completed missions for the most dangerous and most violent terrorist organization of our times, killing without a second thought” he almost spats out. “Truly, the new God of Shinobi.”

“Were you any better?”

“I stayed loyal to my family. For your sake, I swore revenge on your executioner.”

“Which was unnecessary. Your brother did much more by saving Konoha from us.”

“What else, maybe he saved the Uchiha from _themselves_ by _killing them_? Itachi wasn’t loyal to you or to the clan. He was loyal to none of us. He didn’t even know that he carried out your will when he murdered the clan. And yet, he still did it.”

“He was loyal to you.”

Sasuke stills for a moment. He can feel his heart accelerating when he tries not to yell the first curse that tugs on his tongue. All he knows is that his stare must have turned deadly because his father’s eyes widen.

“Give me _one_ example that shows his loyalty to me. If you can’t, then take back what you’ve just said and don’t make a fool of yourself.”

“He let you live.”

“It was not loyalty, it was his _weak mind_ that couldn’t bear a thought of killing his little brother or of the Uchiha clan’s wrongdoings being revealed. He made me go through _hell_ to feel better with himself. Such _loyalty_. I was a toy in his hands. If I had any chances to live a normal life after he murdered all of you, they disappeared when he made me chase him.”

“He didn’t _make you_ do anything, Sasuke. You had a choice. And you made the wrong one.”

It takes all his self-control to stay seated on the porch. He can hear his pulse in his ears when he clenches his teeth, biting his tongue to prevent himself from saying something too quickly.

“I can see why you said that you would rather not talk about it yet” he utters with difficulty.

“We can drop it for now, unless you have something to add.”

“Are you mocking me right now?”

“I’m serious.”

“Then before we touch this matter in the future, try to think of a way to explain to me just _what choice_ I had back then.”

His father pierces him with an attentive glare for a moment. What is he looking for? Does he feel his arising anger and consider what step to make? What words to choose?

“Correct me if I am wrong, Sasuke, but you _could_ stay in the village instead of seeking out Orochimaru. No one told you to betray Konoha.”

“I would have never had a chance to kill Itachi if I stayed. I needed a teacher who could train me to surpass one of the biggest prodigies in Konoha’s history.”

“Itachi wouldn’t have killed you-“

“I. Did. NOT. KNOW. THAT. How many more times do I need to repeat that?!”

“He didn’t force you-“

“Stop” Sasuke stands up from the porch and stops in front of his father, looking at him from above. “Last time we were here, in the garden, you said exactly the same thing and it made me livid. What makes you think that now I will react differently? _What_?”

“You said then that I had no idea what I was talking about, if I recall correctly” the man stays seated, but looks at him with his penetrating, unsettling eyes.

“Because you _do not_ have _ANY_ idea what you’re talking about.”

“Well, what exactly I have no idea about?” he asks, visibly tired. “Tell me.”

He wants to. He really does. He wants nothing more than for his father to _understand_. But despite that the man seems to be willing to fight for their understanding… there is that voice on the back of his head that nags him not to bother because it is simply _pointless_.

“If you don’t, I will only assume that you are speaking empty words, Sasuke” his father stands up and looks at him from the same level.

Sasuke looks away to escape those two sharp, _sharp_ eyes that make him question his every thought.

“When you say that he didn’t force me to do anything… do you even understand what it implies?” he asks silently. “It’s like saying that it was a brilliant idea of my eight-years-old mind to swear a revenge on a brother I loved like no one else.”

“I am not saying that it was your idea. But I am saying that it was your choice _how_ to achieve this goal.”

_Are you._

“You’re lying.”

Fugaku raises his eyebrows in evident surprise.

“Excuse me?”

“Sure, you’re pissed with me because I betrayed the village. But not any less than because I killed Itachi.”

“I sincerely hope that you have enough of common sense not to expect me to be happy with you after hearing that you _killed_ your brother” his father’s tone is sharp and Sasuke can feel his heart jumping on every accented word.

“I followed Itachi’s plan. It was his idea that I would be the one to end him.”

“Killing him was pointless after you betrayed Konoha. That was no longer a suitable way to prove loyalty and honor of the Uchiha to the village.”

“Well, Itachi knew very well that I deserted the village, but he didn’t change his plans.”

“Probably because he hoped that Konoha would accept you back if you killed him.”

“And yet you’re still mad at _me_. Not at Itachi. He could avoid this fight, but it was his choice not to. He could _kill me_ , being as strong as he was, he could _survive_ this fight, but it was _his choice_ not to.”

“So what you are trying to say is that, as it was Itachi’s idea to let you kill him, I shouldn’t be angry with you for acting exactly like he wanted you to act?”

“It would be logical.”

“In that case, I will let myself be _illogically_ angry with you. You killed your brother, Sasuke. You killed my _son_. I cannot just overlook that, no matter whose idea it was.”

“You wouldn’t be angry with Itachi if he had killed me along with the clan. You would think that his actions were justified. If he stood here now in front of you, you would tell him that it was _fine_.”

Sasuke watches as his father opens his mouth to retort, but reluctantly restrains himself. He can see him sighing and closing his eyes.

“You _would_ ” he presses.

The man walks past him and makes a few steps in the garden. Sasuke turns around to watch him, leaning against the wooden pillar. Internally, he is shaking, but he is not going to reveal it to his father. Not when what he feels is not anger, but _bitterness_.

“He had a reason to kill you” his father says in a suffocated voice. “You were a risk to the village in his plan. But you, you had no logical reason.”

“Uchiha Itachi was a wanted S-rank criminal. One that happened to kill my whole family and one that managed to harm the only people that became close to me. He worked for the organization that was a great threat to every Shinobi nation. Logical is _all_ that killing him was. Although I will not pretend that the personal grudge wasn’t crucial for my decision.”

The man turns to look at him, visibly trying to keep his emotions hidden. And Sasuke feels _helpless._ Because he realizes that this time he is not wrong and it breaks him. It would be good to be wrong about things like _this_.

“Your brother was a _hero_ of the village.”

Sasuke lets himself contemplate his statement for a moment. Just so he can catch the full extent of those words.

“I wish I have known that.”

“Yet you feel no remorse for killing him.”

He furrows his brows, irritated with his father’s tone. Accusing. Resentful. Stern.

“There is nothing that I regret more than killing Itachi. Deep down, I never truly wanted it. I unlocked my mangekyo when I saw him dying. But remorse is not what I feel. I am angry with Itachi because he made me kill him. He wanted death, because death would have been his salvation. Still, he had no right to demand it from me. No one knew the truth behind the massacre, the Uchiha clan was believed to be honorable anyway. But Itachi had a _better_ idea. He wanted Konoha to _see_ that the last Uchiha is loyal to them. It was so important that he carried out his plan even when it started to destroy me. Because some fucking honor and loyalty were more important than my life. Because Itachi was too much of a _fucking coward_ to just cut his veins and bleed to death. His idealistic mind convinced him that he deserved punishment for killing his kin. And somehow, destroying the last living member of his family by making him perform the rightful execution, seemed to be a good idea.”

His father is angry, he can see that. They are both playing with open cards now, attempts to avoid confrontations ultimately forgotten.

“So you are still going to affirm that Itachi is to blame for your _own_ choices?”

“They were not my _own_ choices. I had _no_ choice. And you’re changing the subject.”

“I am not. One thing complements another. Not only do you think that your brother is to be blamed for your crimes, but also for his own death. As if he committed a suicide.”

“It would have saved everybody much pain if he did.”

“Sasuke!”

“It _would_ have, don’t deny it!”

“So you really think that if he had killed himself, you would have just shrugged it all off and live a happy life in Konoha, forgetting your revenge?!”

“And why _wouldn’t_ _I have_?!”

“Because your damn pride would have still been hurt and your arrogance would have led you to heavens know where!”

“It’s so easy for you to assume wrongs when it comes to me, but _somehow_ , Itachi is out of the reach of your accusations!”

“ITACHI deserves to be _worshipped_ because of his sacrifice. One that you never even considered to make!”

“Since when does the end justify the means?!”

“It was not his choice to kill the clan, it was both my will and the orders he received that pushed him to massacre the Uchiha!”

“No one told him to destroy his little brother in the process!”

“ _Fuck_ , Sasuke, how EGOISTIC can you be?!” before he knows it, his father grabs his clothes and shakes him violently. “The village could perish in a civil war, your whole family was _exterminated_ for the sake of peace, your brother committed his _life_ to ensure Konoha’s safety, _your_ safety, and you still dare ask for _more_?!”

“All I ask for” he says through clenched throat “Is for my _father_ to see me as a victim of those events. And not the sole reason for the failure of his plan.”

“You are the main reason it was all _for nothing_!”

“ _What_ was for nothing?! How am I responsible for the coup no one deigned to inform me about?!”

“ANBU could just wiped us out and the outcome would have been more favorable! Your brother-“

“Your brother, _your brother_ , EVERYTHING is about my brother! Itachi and his sacrifice! When will it occur to you that _I_ was sacrificed too?!” he tears off his father’s hands of his shirt violently and forces the man to take one step back. “My entire fucking life was marked with what you call _Itachi’s sacrifice_ , with his lies and the _tortures_ he put me through! What was I if not a sacrifice in his plan?! Or is this word too sublime to describe my role, maybe _fucking trash_ is more suitable?!”

“What makes you think that your brother had a choice?!”

“Itachi did have a fucking choice and that was being murdered along with everybody!”

“It would have led us to nowhere!”

“Because Itachi’s plan led us to _somewhere_!”

“He couldn’t know that!”

“He could change his tactic in the process!”

“There would have been no need if you had acted as it was expected from you!”

“Are you fucking DEAF?! Do you even listen to what I’m saying to you?! I did _EXACTLY_ what Itachi wanted me to do!”

“He didn’t want you to become a criminal!”

“Then he could fucking _stop me_!”

“ _You_ should have fucking stop _yourself_!”

“I COULDN’T!”

“ _Why_?!”

“He would have never let me stop!” he yells, panting from the overwhelm of emotions. “You claim to _know_ what he was thinking, but you now _NOTHING_ , you know _fucking NOTHING_! You weren’t there when he fed me lies, over your dead bodies, about his love for us being all an act! You weren’t there when he toyed with me, letting me believe that he was going to _kill me_ in a moment! You were _fucking_ not there when he made me watch all of you _dying_ in his tsukuyoumi for hours, for days! I was fucking _eight_ and you would have expected me to watch my perfect big brother murdering my family, telling me lies, _mentally torturing me_ and be able to see through it?! When no one in the village, no one who knew Itachi, could see the truth?! When he kept up that act for _years_ and tortured me _again_?!”

“Such strong words you use, Sasuke. Do you even know what it means to be _tortured_?!”

“Like hell I don’t when my _nii-san_ made sure I experienced it!”

“What was so cruel in his tsukuyoumi that let you call it a _torture_? Seeing people being _killed_? For heaven’s sake, Sasuke, we are _shinobi_!”

Sasuke exhales abruptly and stares at the man with eyes wide open because _hell_ , his father did not just _belittled_ the weightiness of the most traumatic experience in his life. It cannot be happening. He is speechless and watches his father’s frowned face, his whole pose intimidating and furious and so utterly, unbelievably _heartless_ and _ignorant_.

He takes a shaky step back and slowly sits on the porch with his head drooped so that he does not have to look at the man anymore. His eyes are strangely damp when he raises his hand to wipe his face and runs his fingers through his hair. He pulls one leg towards his chest and rests his forehead on his knee. Inhale and exhale. He needs to calm himself.

“That is the thing you can’t forgive your brother? Is _this_ what keeps us from coming to an agreement? That your brother made you _scared_? ” he hears his father’s sharp voice. He stays silent. He has no strength left to respond. “This is _ridiculous_ , Sasuke. We have nothing to talk about here. I suggest you rethink your career choice, because there is no future for you in shinobi environment. You are not fit for such a lifestyle” the man climbs the porch and slides the screen loudly. “This conversation is over.”

“Wait” he breathes out, but does not raise his head. “Don’t just leave it like this.”

“Like _what_.”

“You still don’t even try to understand any of it.”

“All I can understand is that my son is arrogant and _weak_.”

Sasuke bites his lip and clenches his fist. He slowly turns his head to look at the man, feeling how his throat clenches and makes it hard to speak.

“So you’re going to ignore me because I’m _weak_?”

His father pierces him with angered glare, clenching his fingers on the doorframe. He does not respond immediately. He exhales loudly, shaking his head.

“Enough” he says wearily. “Go, wake up, Sasuke. I cannot take any more of this trash right now. Go somewhere quiet to think about all of this” with that he finally enters the house, sliding the screen shut.

Sasuke lets his body fall to the wooden floor. All he can hear is his shaky breath and his father’s receding steps.

 _Weak_ he said. Sasuke is weak and he will not deny it ever again. But it is because of what happened to him over the years that he is now shaped like this. He was trying to cope with the tragedy that destroyed his life. And _this_ was the best he could do.

He does not know how much time passes until some strength comes back to him and he is able to sit up again. He stares at the garden emptily, leaning against the wooden pillar.

His father is not going to talk to him right now, so he will not even try to engage him into a conversation. He slowly stands up and moves to the sliding screens of his study. The room is tidy as it has always been, papers, books and writing utilities on their right places. He contemplates one pen he remembers was used very often by his father. An old gift, his mother told him once. From a friend. But it did not matter what his name was, she said.

He reaches for it and enters the corridor, approaching the kitchen. There is a large, plain surface of paper screen not far from the door. He raises his hand and slowly draws words that turn into whole sentences.

_I wish you could find it in yourself to understand how Itachi’s actions destroyed me. I don’t care if I’m weak. He left me shattered. I honestly doubt that it’s possible for me to ever recover._

He keeps the pen hovering over the paper screen for a few seconds. He remembers every word he writes.

_I am not going to deny you the right to be disappointed with me. But hear me out: I did not have a choice. Saying that I did have any is like claiming that you didn’t force Itachi to kill the clan._

Can his father see the ink?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi:)
> 
> So, they escaped from my control. This chapter was supposed to be peaceful, like some bonding time and stuff, but NO. Sasuke had to push it.
> 
> ;P
> 
> What do you think?


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